The Emancipation of Bella!

“Said I remember when we used to sit

In the government yard in Trenchtown

Oba, ob-serving the hypocrites

As they would mingle with the good people we meet

Good friends we’ve had, oh good friends we’ve lost along the way

In this bright future you can’t forget your past

So dry your tears I say”

Bob Marley – ‘No Woman, No Cry’

Good Friends I‘ve Had Lost Have

We value friends, and our friendships are essential to our sense of who we are and central to our all-important sense of validation, but the journey of friendship (the journey of love and of the heart) rarely runs smooth because since no two people ever have exactly the same experience and interpret it the same way, no two people will ever see anything in exactly the same way, or eye to eye. Sometimes, like the title of the song above, it seems like the best way of avoiding tears is to avoid people. But it is possible against the pain of separation, to find a wholesome and healthy balance that gives happiness, freedom and life! I have recently emerged from several years of learning this, and this is my reason for writing this blog piece in the hope that what I have learned might be wisdom to you.

So how are we to choose our friends?

And how should we as friends treat one another?

What does the Bible say about Friendship?

Lean On Me

 “The next best thing to being wise oneself is to live in a circle of those who are.”

CS Lewis

 Friends fall into one of six categories:

1. Parent/ Parental figure – FAMILIAL FRIEND
2. Sibling/ Cousin – FAMILIAL FRIEND
3. Acquaintance – PERIPHERY FRIEND
4. Mentor – MENTOR FRIEND
5. Close Friend – TRUE FRIEND
6. Best Friend – TRUE FRIEND

Of the list above, the first two (family members) are thrust upon you. Whether you choose to be their friend or not is entirely up to you (although it is highly recommended as it opens up a depth of friendship that makes the familial relationship much sweeter to all involved).

The rest (the highlighted ones) in that list are the only ones you choose for yourself. How you choose them is vital to who you become! Here are some things to consider about each type of non-familial friendships.

Life is OK 🙂

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.”

CS Lewis

Acquaintances are like a calendar. They remind you that despite the past, there is always tomorrow. Many a time they are just ‘nice’ and there is not really much else that can be said about them simply because we don’t know them, or want to know them intimately. We all know and have this type of friend and we love them, but can’t hang out with them for too long simply because as much fun as we have when we’re with them, their lack of closeness means they appeal to none of our other vital mental and emotional faculties. But generally, they are incredibly pleasant when your paths cross and they exist to remind you, through your ups and downs that life is good. They complement your personality, throw occasional wisdom your way on how to deal with losses in life and reassure and remind you of the good that lies ahead. They’ll leave kind remarks on your social network sites and occasionally meet with you for lunch or coffee and although nothing of any deep emotional intensity will ever be discussed between you, you’ll always leave their company feeling like everything will be alright.

“Your own friend and your father’s friend forsake them not; neither go to your brother’s house in the day of your calamity. Better is a neighbor who is near [in spirit] than a brother who is far off [in heart].”

Proverbs 27:10 (AMP)

The temptation is to not invest in these friends, but this would be a mistake. This friend must not be forgotten, no matter how much more mature and functional company we keep elsewhere because they help us not take ourselves too seriously, help us forget things that weigh and burden us down and bring out the inner child in us. This type of friend is essential to our balance as human beings because it is how all friendships begin. Unless you first invest in the acquaintance, you will never release its potential to become anything else.

Master and Apprentice

“Hear counsel, receive instruction, and accept correction that you may be wise in the time to come.”

Proverbs 19:20 (AMP)

“Through skillful and godly Wisdom is a house (a life, a home, a family) built, and by understanding it is established [on a sound and good foundation], and by knowledge shall its chambers [of every area] be filled with all precious and pleasant riches. A wise man is strong and is better than a strong man and a man of knowledge increases and strengthens his power; for by wise counsel you can wage your war, and in an abundance of counselors there is victory and safety. Wisdom is too high for a fool; he opens not his mouth in the gate [where the city’s rulers sit in judgment].”

Proverbs 24:3-7(AMP)

“Where no wise guidance is, the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.”

Proverbs 11:14 (AMP)

When choosing a mentor for yourself, two things come into play; who and how! The person is as important as how your relationship with them develops.

• They must have Godly values that fit yours (this is key) and successfully express those values at a high level
• They must want you to be better than they were and are
• They must actively discourage you from following them, but instead encourage you to follow God and make your own decisions
• They must be credible and truly know what they are talking about (you’ll know this in less than five minutes of talking to someone, either your spirit will bear witness or it won’t-an effect often felt through your highly trustworthy intuition)
• They must respect your views and be a good listener
• They must have a Godly, problem solving attitude to life (not dwelling on any given problem but focusing on how to move forward in God, out of the situation)
• THEY NEED TO HAVE LIVED WHAT THEY SPEAK!!!!!!! None of this theoretical blabber nonsense. If they don’t have first-hand evidence of what they’re talking about or can’t point you to someone who does, they’re a phoney (simple)
• THEY MUST SHARE THEIR SECRETS WITH YOU TOO!!!!!!! This might seem like a simple thing to say yet it is radical because the truth is that if most mentees realised this, most ‘mentors’ would be out of an opportunity to abuse. If your mentor wants all your secrets and cannot share some of theirs, then they are stealing from you and because there is no balance of relationship, there is no real emotional investment on their part which means your secrets are not safe as you have no leverage to keep them from sharing yours. It is pretty simple…..you both give, you both take; you more so from a gleaning perspective, they more so from a trust earning perspective. They need to put down currency for your goods

“Oil and perfume rejoice the heart; so does the sweetness of a friend’s counsel that comes from the heart.”

Proverbs 27:9 (AMP)

Mentors do not need to be much older than you. In fact, they can be the same age, slightly older or much older. They key is that whatever they mentor you in, they must have more successful experience in that field than you do and be able to divulge that in wisdom to you. They are the master, you are the apprentice! Their wisdom prevents you from sliding into mistakes you would have otherwise made, your implementation of the wisdom from their life and your subsequent gain of life experience validates all they ever went through and gives them a real sense of achievement and pride.

“And Ruth said, urge me not to leave you or to turn back from following you; for where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. The Lord do so to me, and more also, if anything but death parts me from you.”

Ruth 1:16-17 (AMP)

“When the Lord was about to take Elijah up to heaven by a whirlwind, Elijah and Elisha were going from Gilgal. And Elijah said to Elisha, ‘Tarry here, I pray you, for the Lord has sent me to Bethel’. But Elisha replied ‘As the Lord lives and as your soul lives, I will not leave you’. So they went down to Bethel. The prophets’ sons who were at Bethel came to Elisha and said, ‘Do you know that the Lord will take your master away from you today?’ He said, ‘Yes, I know it; hold your peace’. 

Elijah said to him, ‘Elisha, tarry here, I pray you, for the Lord has sent me to Jericho’. But he said, ‘As the Lord lives and as your soul lives, I will not leave you’. So they came to Jericho. The sons of the prophets who were at Jericho came to Elisha and said, ‘Do you know that the Lord will take your master away from you today?’ And he answered, ‘Yes, I know it; hold your peace’. 

Elijah said to him, ‘Tarry here, I pray you, for the Lord has sent me to the Jordan’. But he said, ‘As the Lord lives and as your soul lives, I will not leave you’. And the two of them went on. 

Fifty men of the sons of the prophets also went and stood [to watch] afar off; and the two of them stood by the Jordan. And Elijah took his mantle and rolled it up and struck the waters, and they divided this way and that, so that the two of them went over on dry ground. And when they had gone over, Elijah said to Elisha, ‘Ask what I shall do for you before I am taken from you’. And Elisha said, ‘I pray you, let a double portion of your spirit be upon me’. He said, ‘You have asked a hard thing. However, if you see me when I am taken from you, it shall be so for you—but if not, it shall not be so.’

As they still went on and talked, behold, a chariot of fire and horses of fire parted the two of them, and Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven. And Elisha saw it and he cried, ‘My father, my father! The chariot of Israel and its horsemen’! And he saw him no more. And he took hold of his own clothes and tore them in two pieces. He took up also the mantle of Elijah that fell from him and went back and stood by the bank of the Jordan. And he took the mantle that fell from Elijah and struck the waters and said, ‘Where is the Lord, the God of Elijah?’ And when he had struck the waters, they parted this way and that, and Elisha went over. When the sons of the prophets who were [watching] at Jericho saw him, they said, ‘The spirit of Elijah rests on Elisha’. And they came to meet him and bowed themselves to the ground before him.”

2 Kings 2:1-15 (AMP)

When you have found your mentors, you need to stick with them as long as the Spirit of God is alive in their spirit, because the gifts of this type of friendship are many.

Team ‘We’ vs. the World

“Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this evil that was come upon him, they came each one from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite and Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, for they had made an appointment together to come to condole with him and to comfort him. And when they looked from afar off and saw him [disfigured] beyond recognition, they lifted up their voices and wept; and each one tore his robe, and they cast dust over their heads toward the heavens. So they sat down with [Job] on the ground for seven days and seven nights, and none spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief and pain were very great.”

Job 2:11-13 (AMP)

“Do two walk together except they make an appointment and have agreed?”

Amos 3:3 (AMP)

These are the friends that ‘get it’ and ‘get you’. Your conversations and interactions with these your close friends always achieve a level of intellectual complexity and emotional consciousness that is deeply satisfying. Your relationship with them is as high as it is deep and wide; and their ability to understand the nuances of your life is more precious to you than so many of the friends you encounter on a daily basis. These friends understand every sphere of your life. They get the family politics you live with and encourage you to always retain integrity through it all, they get the church nuances you navigate and give you Godly counsel that’ll keep you in God despite it all, and they understand all of the condescending slights that you deal with on a regular basis in your workplace and champion your confidence and self-esteem in spite of ‘them’ all. Close friends are true friends, the custodians of your secrets and guardians of your heart. They alongside best friends are the real heroes of friendship.

My Very Soul

“When David had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own life…….Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own life.”

1 Samuel 18:1, 3 (AMP)

This is who you’d refer to as your best friend, although it is possible to have more than one (having another best friend in addition to your spouse for example).

“Two are better than one, because they have a good [more satisfying] reward for their labor  for if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie down together, then they have warmth; but how can one be warm alone? And though a man might prevail against him who is alone, two will withstand him. A threefold cord is not quickly broken.”

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (AMP)

Friends like these and you usually go way back, or you feel like you do. What validates this feeling, separating this friend from all the others is a distinct feeling you both carry that you came of age only alongside each other, through tumultuous times until the intimacy of the now. You have a relationship that has evolved from the delicate flower it once was to a desert cactus that can withstand literally anything that life will throw at it. You speak mostly in a coded language of inside jokes and references that have organically grown from your many years together, and this acts as protection from external threats and insurance that binds and keeps you together against all the changes to come. Not that this means you do not disagree or fight, but all it takes is one key word to turn the frustration into riotous laughter, erase the pain and remind you that arguing is futile as only the two of you will ever really get each other.

You may not even see each other often, but that does not stop the bond that transcends space and time. The true mark of this type of friendship is shown in the feeling that physical proximity brings. If they are right next to you (with part of their body touching yours) and you do not notice that someone is in your space (you feel nothing different to when you are alone), then you have achieved friendship euphoria, where no walls exist between you, when the distinction cannot be made where one person ends and the other begins. At this point, you love this person like your very soul because they have become it. This is what is referred to as a ‘soul tie’ and it can occur between two platonic friends of the same sex as it can between members of the opposite sex in a relationship.

This type of friendship becomes your lifeline and the severance of it (as some of you may bear witness to), leads to an enormous part of you dying and to what can sometimes be years of emotional recovery. The Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, ranks divorce (73/100), and marital separation (63/100), as only being superseded (in the amount of stress caused) by the death of a spouse (100/100). Since the end of a soul tie results in permanent separation of both individuals (divorce), you can understand why the pain caused when this type of friendship breaks down is only ranked second to that separation being caused by the death of one of the parties involved. This is why you should resource, guard and protect this type of friendship like your life, because it actually is!

The ‘Frenemy’

“Do not be so deceived and misled! Evil companionships (communion, associations) corrupt and deprave good manners and morals and character.”

1 Corinthians 15:33 (AMP)

When you find that the line of mutual respect that once existed has been crossed and replaced by pulsing competition and jealousy (or when the competition and jealousy was always there but remained unnoticed until recently), that you are no longer sure what drives you to hang out with someone, you have officially gained a ‘frenemy’, someone who is your enemy pretending to be a friend! Frenemies exhibit the following symptoms among others:

• Changing their career prospects as a self-convinced result of their chosen career being inferior to your own
• Subtly spiteful comments on social network sites
• Sarcastic put downs at every opportunity
• Rebuttals for every happiness you express, with an equivalent (but “better”) happiness of their own
• Direct or indirect competition against you (ranging from applying for the same job or approaching the same man or friends with a view to move in before you do, through to waking up earlier and going to bed later than you just to prove they have been at work longer than you or blatantly buying the exact same dress you own to prove they wear it better than you)

It goes without saying this type of friendship is unhealthy. But what is more noteworthy is that it cannot be corrected until change occurs in the individual concerned. These friendships should be terminated, but as absolute justification for why should not just be things they have done or do, but rather who they are and most importantly, an unwillingness to change.

I have listed below character traits that I have seen in previous friends turned frenemies, the incorrigible manifestation of which has hurt me, leading me to bring my friendships with them, with no regret, to an immediate end.

If any of these rings true for you, then you should seek God on the future of that friendship!

• The Critic – The one who is always finding fault in everything you do and everything you say

• The Counselor – The one who always gives you their advice despite you not asking for it

• The Narcissist – The one focused on themselves, never letting you share anything about you

• The Impressionist – The one who watches your every move to try and live their clone of your life

• The Promise Breaker – The one who’s word is only a sure indication of the exact opposite, who acts without honor, who puts you in too many compromising situations, who makes you feel frustrated and who makes you feel disappointed in yourself, the constant disappointment 

“Be not one of those who strike hands and pledge themselves, or of those who become security for another’s debts. If you have nothing with which to pay, why should he take your bed from under you?”

Proverbs 22:26-27 (AMP)

• The Risk Taker – The one who is willing to put you in danger and guilt trip you for choosing integrity, as a means to fulfilling their selfish need for danger as misguided adventure

• The Opponent – The one who wants and will do anything to get AND take away what you have

• The Parasite – The one who is needy, who drains you and who is overly dependent and extremely demanding on you for information or physical, emotional or financial support

• The Abuser – The one who verbally (vicious and malicious in their comments towards you), physically (vicious and malicious in their treatment of you), or sexually abuses you (subtle or obvious behaviors like making jokes that are offensive or sexual in nature, inappropriate comments, sexual harassment or forcing you to engage in sexual acts against your will)

• The Duplicitous – The one who has no integrity, who will gossip about you, tell your secrets to anyone who will listen, spread lies about you, go after your ex (or even current boyfriend), the one who openly behaves like your enemy whilst calling themselves your friend

“A perverse man sows strife, and a whisperer separates close friends.”

Proverbs 16:28 (AMP)

“He who covers and forgives an offense seeks love, but he who repeats or harps on a matter separates even close friends.”

Proverbs 17:9 (AMP)

• The Controller – The one who sees you as incapable, sees it as their job to dominate and micro-manage you, choosing everything you do when you are together, giving their opinion on everything you do or want to do without being asked and being overbearing, bossy and condescending whenever you want to make a decision for yourself

• The Pity-Filled – The one who is always down, and will drag you down even if you were upbeat and positive to begin with, who cannot ever see the positive in anything and who projects that negativity on you all the time

• The Short Tempered – The one who refuses to deal with the issues that make them so angry but would rather pick a fight with anyone at any time for any reason

“Make no friendships with a man given to anger and with a wrathful man do not associate, lest you learn his ways and get yourself into a snare.”

Proverbs 22:24-25 (AMP)

When it comes to ending friendships, I must stress the word ‘incorrigible’ that I used at the start of this part of my blog piece. Conflict resolution must always be the first port of call and a permanent end the last, but if a problem persists and someone will not change or does not understand why they need to change, it is time to jump ship! I have done it to people as people have done it to me in the past. I feel no guilt about it and I hold no grudge against those who have done it to me because the bible validates exiting toxic friendships to preserve your life.

“The [consistently] righteous man is a guide to his neighbor, but the way of the wicked causes others to go astray.”

Proverbs 12:26 (AMP)

“Become wise by walking with the wise; hang out with fools and watch your life fall to pieces.”

Proverbs 13:20 (MSG)

A regular evaluation of your friendships will whittle down the list, separating wheat from chaff, leaving only those who can validate you best, those who can see you equal, and those with whom there can be mutual affection, trust, loyalty and acceptance. The friends that remain will give you validation that builds a lasting self-confidence despite the difficulties you encounter.

These are your true friends.

But for these true friends that remain, work still lies ahead to work out the kinks that arise in the journey of love.

Rules of Engagement

So, what does a true friendship look like?

It is important to break it down into qualities that are easily quantifiable.

A True Friend Loves Sacrificially

“This is My commandment: that you love one another [just] as I have loved you. No one has greater love [no one has shown stronger affection] than to lay down (give up) his own life for his friends.”

John 15:12-13 (AMP)

Jesus is the finest example of a true friend in that His love for us is sacrificial, and never self-serving. His demonstration of always putting his friends first was evident in His compassion, the miracles He performed, His service of humility when washing the disciples’ feet; and then ultimately, when he laid down his life by His death on the cross.

 ^“Do nothing from factional motives [through contentiousness, strife, selfishness, or for unworthy ends] or prompted by conceit and empty arrogance. Instead, in the true spirit of humility (lowliness of mind) let each regard the others as better than and superior to himself [thinking more highly of one another than you do of yourselves]. Let each of you esteem and look upon and be concerned for not [merely] his own interests, but also each for the interests of others. Let this same attitude and purpose and [humble] mind be in you, which was in Christ Jesus: [Let Him be your example in humility:]”

Philippians 2:3-5 (AMP)

We need to choose and act on our friendships by what we can get in addition to by what we can give (and these must be balanced). If we choose our friends based solely on what we have to gain from them, we will miss out on the blessings of a genuine friendship because putting your friend’s needs before your own and being loved likewise in return is for you both to love like Jesus who is the truth; the truth that gives freedom, life and happiness.

A True Friend Accepts Unconditionally

“A friend loves at all times, and is born, as is a brother, for adversity.”

Proverbs 17:17 (AMP)

Friendships go through times of adversity, but true friends are distinguished in these moments as those who know and accept your weaknesses and imperfections in the understanding that they have their own too and that true friendship is not trying to change someone, but is rather to compel them to a greater tomorrow in order for greatness to be perfected within them. If you are both of the same mind, then you will both be as quick to ask for forgiveness as you are to forgive on your journey to individual greatness alongside one another.

A True Friends Trusts Completely

“The man of many friends [a friend of all the world] will prove himself a bad friend, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”

Proverbs 18:24 (AMP)

This proverb reveals the trait of a true friend that takes A VERY LONG TIME (irrespective of the intensity of the friendship) to develop – to be worthy of the trust of the other! But asides from the principle of trustworthiness, it also emphasizes a second important truth. We should only expect to share complete trust with VERY FEW friends (as close to one as possible). Throwing away your confidence too quickly and too easily can lead to ruin, and this is why it is advisable to do serious time before freely giving away your secrets. Personally I have a two year rule that I use. I wait a minimum of two years before sharing what I deem as the most intimate parts of me and of my life as I have lived and am living it because I believe that you can genuinely get to know in two years what someone’s true character, real motive and end agenda is.

Over time, a true friend will prove their trustworthiness by sticking closer than a brother or sister. And this is not me denigrating sibling relationships because they are for sure the only persons guaranteed to be with you for your entire life. But you must give your close friends credit where they are due simply because after having begun as strangers, became acquaintances, proved to care, were there, stayed there, shared and listened, earned your trust and now do life alongside you, guarding your secrets, your heart and your life; because relationally, they are much closer to you than your siblings (even though they may not always get you as much as your blood family) and this emotional proximity must be acknowledged accordingly.

A True Friend Keeps Healthy Boundaries 

“Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].”

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (AMP)

If you feel smothered or ignored despite your requests to the contrary in a friendship, something is wrong. Likewise, if you feel used or abused, victimized, bullied, put down or an unnecessary burden, something is definitely amiss. A true friend recognizes what is best for you and gives you the right amount of space and time as you want and need to work yourself out. They will wisely avoid intruding, invading or managing your life and will maintain awareness of your need to keep other friendships. This is the sign of a healthy friendship.

A True Friend Edifies

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are lavish and deceitful.”

Proverbs 27:6 (AMP)

A true friend builds you up physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually as you do them in return. In your friendship, you exchange strength; encouragement and love throughout all those times when you get together to talk, cry, laugh and listen simply because it feels good to be together. But times come when as friends you must have challenging conversations. Yet, because of the shared trust and acceptance between you which gives a right of impact to each other’s heart, love prevails as one delivers the hard message with truth and grace to the other. This is what Proverbs means when it says……

“Iron sharpens iron; so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend [to show…..worthy purpose].”

Proverbs 27:17 (AMP)

How to Treat Your Friends

Below are a few guidelines on how to treat your friends, as specified (well enough so I have nothing else to add on the matter) by the Bible.

“And as you would like and desire that men would do to you, do exactly so to them.”

Luke 6:31 (AMP)

“Love one another with brotherly affection [as members of one family], giving precedence and showing honour to one another.”

Romans 12:10 (AMP)

“Let no foul or polluting language, nor evil word nor unwholesome or worthless talk [ever] come out of your mouth, but only such [speech] as is good and beneficial to the spiritual progress of others, as is fitting to the need and the occasion, that it may be a blessing and give grace (God’s favor to those who hear it. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God [do not offend or vex or sadden Him], by Whom you were sealed (marked, branded as God’s own, secured) for the day of redemption (of final deliverance through Christ from evil and the consequences of sin). Let all bitterness and indignation and wrath (passion, rage, bad temper) and resentment (anger, animosity) and quarreling (brawling, clamor  contention) and slander (evil-speaking, abusive or blasphemous language) be banished from you, with all malice (spite, ill will, or baseness of any kind). And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tender-hearted (compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted), forgiving one another [readily and freely], as God in Christ forgave you.”

Ephesians 4:29-32 (AMP)

“Clothe yourselves therefore, as God’s own chosen ones (His own picked representatives), [who are] purified and holy and well-beloved [by God Himself, by putting on behavior marked by] tender-hearted pity and mercy, kind feeling, a lowly opinion of yourselves, gentle ways, [and] patience [which is tireless and long-suffering, and has the power to endure whatever comes, with good temper]. Be gentle and forbearing with one another and, if one has a difference (a grievance or complaint) against another, readily pardoning each other; even as the Lord has [freely] forgiven you, so must you also [forgive]. And above all these [put on] love and enfold yourselves with the bond of perfectness [which binds everything together completely in ideal harmony]. And let the peace (soul harmony which comes) from Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts [deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds, in that peaceful state] to which as [members of Christ’s] one body you were also called [to live]. And be thankful (appreciative), [giving praise to God always].”

Colossians 3:12-15 (AMP)

The Last Best Bit

My favorite thing and in my opinion the absolute best thing about true friends is the presence in your life of people who care about you, love you for who you are and don’t try to change you or make you something you’re not. Third after (1) intimacy with God and (2) a loving family, having true friends is the best thing a person can have in this world. They are God’s greatest gift for our choosing and the fact that someone who is not you can accept you for who you are is just priceless (especially in today’s world and fast society where everyone is looking for quick to put together, ready-made everything against God’s template of long-suffering and perseverance to maturity).

I have very few true friends but I love them deeply. I know many people who don’t understand the way I am, who say it is too intense, who say they prefer to keep “many” friends. But the truth is that if you can count your close and best friends (excluding acquaintances, mentors and family members) on more than one hand, you are most probably either insufficient in your understanding of what friendship is (although hopefully not anymore after reading this blog piece), or hiding in a crowd to avoid the life-changing intensity of intimacy.

If you fall into this category, I’d strongly encourage you to go on a journey to demarcate your wide circle into a series of smaller ones in order to identify who your true friends really are (because true friends are not the ones you just see to go to parties with or the ones who only hang out with you if they need something even though they have their place, but rather are the ones who just want to spend time with you because of who you are), and then really engage heart to heart with the ones at the core. Those are your true friends and the kind of people that we all need close to us. And if we all consciously maintained friendships like that, the precarious and overwhelming parts of our journey in life would seem a little easier to travail.

To be able to have that bond and trust with one or two is a precious gift and must never be taken for granted. So next time you see your true friends, let them know how close they are and how great it is to have them in your life.

And finally, no matter how many don’t remain, never stop loving with all of you, all of the time.

Stay Fabulous

Bella.x

On writing this blog piece…..

 I once saw a poster that read…

“My mind is already made up. Please do not confuse me with the facts.”

Many a time we think we know (because the leaders must have told it all to us by now), all that the Bible teaches on certain doctrines, but as soon as I began my research for this piece, I discovered exactly how little it is we actually ever know! As a worshipper and ‘Levite’ I have fallen prey to also not knowing what on earth the title I profess, means for me and requires of me historically, currently, and for my future both as an individual and as a servant in God’s house and Kingdom. I had become victim to remaining under erroneous leadership without challenging how things are done against the word of God (because I hadn’t actually bothered to make time to see for myself what God had to say on my calling) hence remaining ignorant and a ‘Lost Levite’. This is sadly, often the place that many Christians end up in, regarding what they do not know.

The research for this was not easy, simply because the bible is set up as a reference book of sorts comprising over five hundred individual mentions on singing, music, instruments and Levitical leadership as opposed to a manual in which all relevant sections are grouped together for the benefit of the end user. Finding the references was easy enough (thanks to e-bibles) and made me realise that the word of God has far more to say about being a Levite than I ever knew.  But my attempt to distil from them all, the principles which apply to us as God’s people today, was for sure the challenging part.

I hope this blog piece comes as a blessing, but also as an education to all you fellow Levites out there. But it does not exist only for you, it should also serve as a benchmark for all Christians out there, what to expect and require from those who lead you in praise and worship at every gathering from home/ cell groups, to church services.

We cannot as children of God, chose to remain ignorant when biblical truths are there to be searched out because we are called to……

“Grow in in grace (undeserved favour, spiritual strength) and recognition and knowledge and understanding of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ (the Messiah).” 

(2 Peter 3:18 AMP)

The Biblical Purpose of Music

Please forgive me starting from such a basic foundation but I just want to be sure if any non-churched people or new Christians are reading this, then I walk them through for their benefit how we as Christians view the reasons why we conduct our church services in a particular way. In addition, I genuinely do not believe that all the people I know who minister as Levites in church are fully aware themselves of the comprehensive purpose of what they do as laid out in the scriptures.

So…….what exactly is the purpose of music as stipulated in the bible? The bible gives and backs up by example, many different purposes to praise and worship music. I have listed as many different ones as I could find below:

1.      Direct praise and worship to God

“I will sing to the Lord as long as I live; I will sing praise to my God while I have any being.”

(Psalm 104:33 AMP)

2.      Prayer

“Yet the Lord will command His loving-kindness in the daytime, and in the night His song shall be with me, a prayer to the God of my life.”

(Psalm 42:8 AMP)

3.      Declaring the goodness of God to other people

“With a voice of singing declare, tell this, cause it to go forth even to the end of the earth; say, The Lord has redeemed His servant Jacob!”

(Isaiah 48:20 AMP)

4.      Facilitating worship for other people

“O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together.”

(Psalm 34:3 AMP)

5.      As a vital part of spiritual warfare

“When you go to war in your land against the enemy that oppresses you, then blow an alarm with the trumpets, that you may be remembered before the Lord your God and you shall be saved from your enemies.”

(Numbers 10:9 AMP)

6.      In obedience to the word of God

“O sing to the Lord a new song; sing to the Lord, all the earth! Sing to the Lord, bless (affectionately praise) His name; show forth His salvation from day to day. Declare His glory among the nations, His marvellous works among all the peoples.” 

(Psalm 96:1-3 AMP) 

7.      To increase recognition and reception to the Holy Spirit

“After that you will come to the hill of God, where the garrison of the Philistines is; and when you come to the city, you will meet a company of prophets coming down from the high place with harp, tambourine, flute, and lyre before them, prophesying.”

(1 Samuel 10:5 AMP) 

8.      Self-edification

“Why are you cast down, O my inner self? And why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him, my Help and my God.”

(Psalm 42:5 AMP) 

9.      The edification of others

“What then, brethren, is [the right course]? When you meet together, each one has a hymn, a teaching, a disclosure of special knowledge or information, an utterance in a [strange] tongue, or an interpretation of it. [But] let everything be constructive and edifying and for the good of all.”

(1 Corinthians 14:26 AMP) 

10.  Testifying

“Come and hear, all you who reverently and worshipfully fear God, and I will declare what He has done for me! I cried aloud to Him; He was extolled and high praise was under my tongue.”

(Psalm 66:16-17 AMP) 

11.  Memorising Scripture

“This Book of the Law shall not depart out of your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, that you may observe and do according to all that is written in it. For then you shall make your way prosperous, and then you shall deal wisely and have good success.”

(Joshua 1:8 AMP)

12.  Teaching Scripture

“Let the word [spoken by] Christ (the Messiah) have its home [in your hearts and minds] and dwell in you in [all its] richness, as you teach and admonish and train one another in all insight and intelligence and wisdom [in spiritual things, and as you sing] psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, making melody to God with [His] grace in your hearts.”

(Colossians 3:16 AMP) 

13.  Challenging and inspiring people to commitment and to action

“O you sons of men, how long will you turn my honour and glory into shame? How long will you love vanity and futility and seek after lies? Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]! But know that the Lord has set apart for Himself [and given distinction to] him who is godly [the man of loving-kindness]. The Lord listens and heeds when I call to Him. Be angry [or stand in awe] and sin not; commune with your own hearts upon your beds and be silent (sorry for the things you say in your hearts). Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]!”

(Psalm 4:2-5 AMP)

14.  Expressing one’s feelings

“Is anyone among you afflicted (ill-treated, suffering evil)? He should pray. Is anyone glad at heart? He should sing praise [to God].”

(James 5:13 AMP)

15.  As an accompaniment to movement

• Processions

“And for the dedication of the wall of Jerusalem, they sought the Levites in all their places to bring them to Jerusalem to celebrate the dedication with gladness, with thanksgivings, and with singing, cymbals, harps, and lyres….. And the priests and the Levites purified themselves, the people, the gates, and the wall”

(Nehemiah 12:27, 30 AMP)

• Dancing

“Let them praise His name in chorus and choir and with the [single or group] dance; let them sing praises to Him with the tambourine and lyre!” 

(Psalm 149:3 AMP)

16.  During special events

• Holy festivals

“You shall have a song as in the night when a holy feast is kept, and gladness of heart as when one marches in procession with a flute to go to the temple on the mountain of the Lord, to the Rock of Israel.”

(Isaiah 30:29 AMP)

• Weddings

“[He exclaimed] O my love, how beautiful you are! There is no flaw in you! Come away with me from Lebanon, my [promised] bride, come with me from Lebanon. Depart from the top of Amana, from the peak of Senir and Hermon, from the lions’ dens, from the mountains of the leopards. You have ravished my heart and given me courage, my sister, my [promised] bride; you have ravished my heart and given me courage with one look from your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. How beautiful is your love, my sister, my [promised] bride! How much better is your love than wine! And the fragrance of your ointments than all spices! Your lips, O my [promised] bride, drop honey as the honeycomb; honey and milk are under your tongue. And the odour of your garments is like the odour of Lebanon. A garden enclosed and barred is my sister, my [promised] bride—a spring shut up, a fountain sealed.”

(Song of Solomon 4:7-12 AMP)

• Funerals

“So his servants took him out of the chariot and put him in his second chariot and brought him to Jerusalem. And he died and was buried in the tombs of his fathers. All Judah and Jerusalem mourned for Josiah. Jeremiah gave a lament for Josiah, and all the singing men and women have spoken of Josiah in their laments to this day. They made them an ordinance in Israel; behold, they are written in the Laments.”

(2 Chronicles 35:24 AMP)

• Coronations

“Zadok the priest took a horn of oil out of the tent and anointed Solomon. They blew the trumpet and all the people said, long live King Solomon!” 

(1 Kings 1:39 AMP)

• Battle Victories

“As they were coming home, when David returned from killing the Philistine, the women came out of all the Israelite towns, singing and dancing, to meet King Saul with timbrels, songs of joy, and instruments of music.”

(1 Samuel 18:6 AMP)

• Feasts

“They have lyre and harp, tambourine and flute and wine at their feasts, but they do not regard the deeds of the Lord, neither do they consider the operation of His hands [in mercy and in judgment].”

(Isaiah 5:12 AMP)

• Send-offs

“Why did you flee secretly and cheat me and did not tell me, so that I might have sent you away with joy and gladness and with singing, with tambourine and lyre?”

(Genesis 31:27 AMP)

• Marking the completion of projects

“And for the dedication of the wall of Jerusalem, they sought the Levites in all their places to bring them to Jerusalem to celebrate the dedication with gladness, with thanksgivings, and with singing, cymbals, harps, and lyres.” 

(Nehemiah 12:27 AMP)

17.  During offering time

“Also Jehoiada appointed the offices and officers [for the care] of the house of the Lord under the direction of the Levitical priests, whom David had distributed [in his day] in the house of the Lord, to offer the burnt offerings of the Lord as written in the Law of Moses, with rejoicing and singing, as ordered by David.”

(2 Chronicles 23:18 AMP)

18.  Celebrating the beginning of a new era

“In that day shall this song be sung in the land of Judah: We have a strong city; [the Lord] sets up salvation as walls and bulwarks. Open the gates that the [uncompromisingly] righteous nation which keeps her faith and her troth [with God] may enter in.”

(Isaiah 26:1 AMP) 

19.  Spontaneous songs

“From there the Israelites went on to Beer [a well], the well of which the Lord had said to Moses, Assemble the people together and I will give them water. Then Israel sang this song, Spring up, O well! Let all sing to it,”

(Numbers 21:17 AMP)

Although music is not theologically necessary, the long list above shows us how highly God cherishes it. Music is shown divinely all through the word as a way to celebrate the beauty and the extravagance of creation and of the creator, God, being worthy of nothing less.

The Dark Side…..

There exists, however, a darker side to music. The bible speaks of it being associated with:

• Slander (Lamentations 3:14, 63; Job 30:9)
• Idleness (Amos 6:4-6; Ecclesiastes 2:8)
• Drunkenness (Psalm 69:12; Isaiah 24:8)
• Immorality (Isaiah 23:15-16)
• Idolatry (Daniel 3:5-15)
• Hypocrisy (Isaiah 5:12; Amos 5:23; Amos 6:3-6) and
• False religion (Exodus 32:18)

Like all of God’s precious gifts, music can be corrupted. The Bible backs this up by telling us that not all music pleases God. (Amos 5:23). It is then no wonder today why some Christians are so concerned with the effect of secular music. It is true that music can usher you into the pure and unadulterated presence of God in the same way that it can usher you through the gates of hell and into communion with demons.

However, in its correct, God created context; music, the way it is played, the words of the songs and the way they are sung should draw deeply from biblical truths. This will gird it to stand above the abused music offered by the world, to go forward and complete as part of corporate worship in churches, that for which it was created; and fulfil our highest calling – to direct our music to our God who alone deserves all praise. But in order to follow the example of the psalmist, we cannot stop here. God does not just expect us to sing or pray our songs, but to live in the fullness of them, for His glory.

The Ministry of Music in the Old Testament

In the beginning…..

A careful study of the function of music in the Old Testament defines the ministry of the Levite.

“He appointed Levites to minister before the ark of the Lord and to celebrate [by calling to mind], thanking and praising the Lord, the God of Israel.” 

(1 Chronicles 16:4 AMP)

The three verbs highlighted in this verse tell us that the music ministry was a vital part of the worship experience of God’s people, used to invoke the presence of God, praise Him and thank Him in His relationship towards us.

Levite in the middle!

The change from the unsettled, nomadic desert life to a lasting lifestyle under the King resulted in the development of the music ministry that would meet the needs of the worshipping congregation at the Temple (the origins of what we practice today). Prior to this change the references to music are mostly of women singing and dancing to celebrate special events (Exodus 15:1-21, 1 Samuel 18:6-7, Judges 11:34).

The book of Chronicles defines in quite some detail how David organized the music ministry of the Levites.

• To ensure that there would be no conflict or confusion between the music ministry of the Levites and the sacrificial ministry of the priests, David carefully demarcated the position, rank, and scope of the Levitical ministry (1 Chronicles 23:25-31) as being subordinate to the priests (1 Chronicles 23:28) despite having its own potent responsibilities
• The Levites were professionally employed temple workers paid out of the same tithes given towards the support of the priesthood (Numbers 18:24-26; Nehemiah 12:44-47; Nehemiah 13:5, Nehemiah 10-12). This gives us an indication of the importance of the music ministry teaching us that the work of an officiated, ordained minister of music should not be “a labour of love”, but should also be a ministry supported by the tithe income of the church. It is important here to stop and clarify that if a lay person volunteers to help in the music program of the church (you and me for example), there should be no payment for the worker who volunteers their time as despite serving under the same expectations, we are not employed professionally by the church
• The ministry of the Levite was tightly controlled. They used only few specific instruments, and played only on limited and special occasions. There was no possibility to turn the Temple service into entertainment of any sort as the music was rigidly controlled in the Temple.

The principles behind these choices that were true then remain so now. In music, as in all areas of life, God does not ever authorise us to “do our own thing.”

Success!

The Levitical ministry at the Temple was successful for several reasons which remain relevant for our church music today.

• The Levites were mature and musically trained

“Chenaniah, leader of the Levites in singing, was put in charge of carrying the ark and lifting up song. He instructed about these matters because he was skilled and able.” 

(1 Chronicles 15:22 AMP)

• The Levites were spiritually prepared. They were consecrated and ordained like the priests

“And said to them, You are the heads of the fathers’ houses of the Levites; sanctify yourselves, both you and your brethren, that you may bring up the ark of the Lord, the God of Israel, to the place that I have prepared for it……….. So the priests and the Levites sanctified themselves to bring up the ark of the Lord, the God of Israel.”

(1 Chronicles 15:12, 14 AMP) 

• The Levites were full time workers

“These are the singers, heads of the fathers’ houses of the Levites, dwelling in the temple chambers, free from other service because they were on duty day and night.”

(1 Chronicles 9:33 AMP) 

• The Levites were ministers in the temple and not artists invited to entertain people

“These David put over the service of song in the house of the Lord after the ark of the covenant rested there [after being taken by the Philistines and later placed in the house of Abinadab, where it remained for nearly 100 years during the rest of Samuel’s judgeship and Saul’s entire reign and into David’s reign]. They ministered before the tabernacle of the Tent of Meeting with singing until Solomon had built the Lord’s house in Jerusalem, performing their service in due order.”

(1 Chronicles 6:31-32 AMP)

The Ministry of Music in the New Testament

The New Testament hardly speaks of any type of Levite office in the church other than in the book of Revelation, where only a dozen passages refer to music as part of the rich eschatological drama that unfolds. However, none of these passages point to the role that music played in church services during New Testament times. This is no surprise because New Testament church gatherings were not much different from those of the synagogue, in that they were conducted in an informal setting, with lay people leading prayer, reading, singing, and exhorting the congregated believers.

Directions on Music

Instructions, though few, however, are found in the Epistles.

• Singing should come from a cheerful heart

“Is anyone among you afflicted (ill-treated, suffering evil)? He should pray. Is anyone glad at heart? He should sing praise [to God].”

(James 5:13 AMP)

• People should sing with their mind as well as their spirit

“Then what am I to do? I will pray with my spirit [by the Holy Spirit that is within me], but I will also pray [intelligently] with my mind and understanding; I will sing with my spirit [by the Holy Spirit that is within me], but I will sing [intelligently] with my mind and understanding also.”

(1 Corinthians 14:15 AMP)

• Singing should be spiritually edifying to the congregation, contributing to the growth of the believers

What then, brethren, is [the right course]? When you meet together, each one has a hymn, a teaching, a disclosure of special knowledge or information, an utterance in a [strange] tongue, or an interpretation of it. [But] let everything be constructive and edifying and for the good of all.

(1 Corinthians 14:26 AMP)

• Believers should behave in a certain way towards one another

“Therefore be imitators of God [copy Him and follow His example], as well-beloved children [imitate their father]. And walk in love, [esteeming and delighting in one another] as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us, a slain offering and sacrifice to God [for you, so that it became] a sweet fragrance. But immorality (sexual vice) and all impurity [of lustful, rich, wasteful living] or greediness must not even be named among you, as is fitting and proper among saints (God’s consecrated people). Let there be no filthiness (obscenity, indecency) nor foolish and sinful (silly and corrupt) talk, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting or becoming; but instead voice your thankfulness [to God]. For be sure of this: that no person practicing sexual vice or impurity in thought or in life, or one who is covetous [who has lustful desire for the property of others and is greedy for gain]—for he [in effect] is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. Let no one delude and deceive you with empty excuses and groundless arguments [for these sins], for through these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of rebellion and disobedience. So do not associate or be sharers with them. For once you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord; walk as children of Light [lead the lives of those native-born to the Light]. For the fruit (the effect, the product) of the Light or the Spirit [consists] in every form of kindly goodness, uprightness of heart, and trueness of life. And try to learn [in your experience]; what is pleasing to the Lord [let your lives be constant proofs of what is most acceptable to Him]. Take no part in and have no fellowship with the fruitless deeds and enterprises of darkness, but instead [let your lives be so in contrast as to] [d]expose and reprove and convict them. For it is a shame even to speak of or mention the things, that [such people], practice in secret. But when anything is exposed and reproved by the light, it is made visible and clear; and where everything is visible and clear there is light. Therefore He says, Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall shine (make day dawn) upon you and give you light.  Look carefully then how you walk! Live purposefully and worthily and accurately, not as the unwise and witless, but as wise (sensible, intelligent people), Making the very most of the time [buying up each opportunity], because the days are evil. Therefore do not be vague and thoughtless and foolish, but understanding and firmly grasping what the will of the Lord is. And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery; but ever be filled and stimulated with the [Holy] Spirit. Speak out to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, offering praise with voices [and instruments] and making melody with all your heart to the Lord, At all times and for everything giving thanks in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God the Father. Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One).”

(Ephesians 5:1-21 AMP)

“If then you have been raised with Christ [to a new life, thus sharing His resurrection from the dead], aim at and seek the [rich, eternal treasures] that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. And set your minds and keep them set on what is above (the higher things), not on the things that are on the earth. For [as far as this world is concerned], you have died, and your [new, real] life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, Who is our life, appears, then you also will appear with Him in [the splendour of His] glory. So kill (deaden, deprive of power) the evil desire lurking in your members [those animal impulses and all that is earthly in you that is employed in sin]: sexual vice, impurity, sensual appetites, unholy desires, and all greed and covetousness, for that is idolatry (the deifying of self and other created things instead of God). It is on account of these [very sins] that the [holy] anger of God is ever coming upon the sons of disobedience (those who are obstinately opposed to the divine will), among whom you also once walked, when you were living in and addicted to [such practices]. But now put away and rid yourselves [completely] of all these things: anger, rage, bad feeling toward others, curses and slander, and foulmouthed abuse and shameful utterances from your lips! Do not lie to one another, for you have stripped off the old (unregenerate) self with its evil practices, And have clothed yourselves with the new [spiritual self-], which is [ever in the process of being] renewed and remoulded into [fuller and more perfect knowledge upon] knowledge after the image (the likeness) of Him Who created it. [In this new creation all distinctions vanish.] There is no room for and there can be neither Greek nor Jew, circumcised nor uncircumcised, [nor difference between nations whether alien] barbarians or Scythians [who are the most savage of all], nor slave or free man; but Christ is all and in all [everything and everywhere, to all men, without distinction of person]. Clothe yourselves therefore, as God’s own chosen ones (His own picked representatives), [who are] purified and holy and well-beloved [by God Himself, by putting on behaviour marked by] tender-hearted pity and mercy, kind feeling, a lowly opinion of yourselves, gentle ways, [and] patience [which is tireless and long-suffering, and has the power to endure whatever comes, with good temper]. Be gentle and forbearing with one another and, if one has a difference (a grievance or complaint) against another, readily pardoning each other; even as the Lord has [freely] forgiven you, so must you also [forgive]. And above all these [put on] love and enfold yourselves with the bond of perfectness [which binds everything together completely in ideal harmony]. And let the peace (soul harmony which comes) from Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts [deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds, in that peaceful state] to which as [members of Christ’s] one body you were also called [to live].And be thankful (appreciative), [giving praise to God always].  Let the word [spoken by] Christ (the Messiah) have its home [in your hearts and minds] and dwell in you in [all its] richness, as you teach and admonish and train one another in all insight and intelligence and wisdom [in spiritual things, and as you sing] psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, making melody to God with [His] grace in your hearts. And whatever you do [no matter what it is] in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus and in [dependence upon] His Person, giving praise to God the Father through Him.”

(Colossians 3:1-17 AMP)

These last two texts are the most informative about the ministry of Levites in the New Testament. AND THEY FORM ONE OF THE MOST CRUCIAL PARTS OF THIS ENTIRE BLOG PIECE! THERE IS A MORAL CODE OF CONDUCT, AN EXPECTATION OF LEVITES, IN THEIR BEHAVIOUR TOWARDS ONE ANOTHER………

This expectation is rarely honoured, in its entirety, if at all in the church that we see today.

Go Forward!

The Levite ministers chosen by David had names given to them that provide for us modern day Levites, a benchmark and plumb-line, against which we can measure ourselves.

• Chenaniah – Established by Jehovah
• Jeduthun – A choir consistent in praise
• Asaph – One who gathers and removes reproach
• Heman – Faithful and diligent

These are God’s expectations in order for you to go forward in your ministry. But to go forward, things must change; and for things to change, you must change! If you are a Levite, God has chosen and appointed you for service, which means that the change has to begin in you! God wants Levites who are consistent and established in his ways, who gather people into His house so that they can worship Him; Levites who are teachable, who will not usurp authority and who are faithful to the cause of the Kingdom.

As a Levite in the house of God, your service requires you to…….

• Sanctify yourself (separate yourself in the knowledge of the gravity of your calling, put on the righteousness of Christ and live inseparably from it, make an oath to God to live in His holiness)
• Submit yourself (totally to God, live a pure life, cleanse your spirit daily)
• Be sensitive to the Spirit of God (spend more time with/ getting to know God)
• Up-skill in your gift (keep learning, remain skilful and faithful)

Other requirements laid out for Levites to abide by include assisting in seeing to the practical duties of the church and choosing to maintain unity.

“But these Levites, the four chief gatekeepers, were in charge of the chambers and treasuries of the house of God. They lodged round about God’s house, for the duty [of watching] was theirs, as well as the opening of the house every morning. Some of them had charge of the serving utensils, being required to count them when they brought them in or took them out. Some of them also were appointed over the furniture and over all the sacred utensils, as well as over the fine flour, wine, oil, frankincense, and spices. Other sons of the priests prepared the ointment of spices. Mattithiah, one of the Levites, the firstborn of Shallum the Korahite, was responsible for the things baked in pans. Of their Kohathite kinsmen, some were to prepare the showbread every Sabbath.” 

(1 Chronicles 9:26-32 AMP)

“And when the trumpeters and singers were joined in unison, making one sound to be heard in praising and thanking the Lord, and when they lifted up their voice with the trumpets and cymbals and other instruments for song and praised the Lord, saying, For He is good, for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever, then the house of the Lord was filled with a cloud, So that the priests could not stand to minister because of the cloud, for the glory of the Lord filled the house of God.” 

(2 Chronicles 5:13-14 AMP)

But How-Exactly?

 

This part is crucial for everyone who is a Levite in the house of God; and should serve as a template for your heart, a plumb line for your character and a stencil for your decisions. It is the code of conduct, the standard, the process with which you should have been inducted into your ministry. But if no one told you, it’s not too late to learn and live!

1.      Delight absolutely in the will of God

Consider what spending every minute of the rest of your life slap bang in the centre of God’s will, will do for you? If that makes you feel cold and, or suffocated in any way then you have completely missed the truth of the freedom that is to be found in Christ and in His will, the obedience of which is the ecstasy of perfect and true love.

If you believe God is omnipotent, and then you should understand that He would not ask something of you that He considers is too hard for you, despite no matter how much you think its stretches you. Your opinions will never be objective because as your Creator, only God knows your true potential and what it requires to bring it out of you. So if the will of God seems like someone draping an oversized superhero costume on you, fear not! When God asks what seems like the impossible from you, the next breakthrough reward of your obedience (your next miracle), is around the corner!

If you believe that God is omniscient then you should understand that in every situation you face, God knows all the truths – past, present and future – a million times more than you could possibly grasp. When God places a demand on your obedience, He is granting you exclusive access, a unique privilege of tapping into the greatest mind in the universe-His own! God Himself gives you have the opportunity to exercise infinite wisdom.

If you believe that the love of God is boundless then you should understand that God loves you beyond what your understanding of love to love yourself will ever amount to. He is more committed to your wellbeing, happiness and fulfilment than you will ever be capable of being. You can revel in the extravagance of all the goodness that God wants for you. That is how trustworthy He actually is!

If you believe deep down in your heart that God’s knowledge, power and love are infinite then disobedience will no longer be a necessity and instead the joy of obedience will be yours. If you find yourself walking in disobedience, then you need to repent from your unexposed belief that God does not love you, that you know better than God or that He is so frail that your insecurities will overwhelm Him into a state where He will be void of power to free you.

In any situation and in every season, enacting the will of God keeps us in gratitude. His will is a thrilling display of His love for us which casts out the fear that overwhelms and rules. His revelation of His will is Him sharing His heart for us, with us. Our total surrender and unwavering obedience as a response to His revealing, leads us to security in Him. Our obedience tells of the reality of His love.

2.      Be selfless in your love, empowered, controlled and motivated in your sacrifice

Levites exist to serve God’s people, to have a basic and fundamental servant’s heart is essential for a fulfilled ministry. The greatest master is the most humble servant. This is the secret of a purpose-driven ministry.

This servant’s heart should lead you to strip yourself of all flesh when ministering to God’s people so that only that which has been ordained and confirmed by God, as He sees necessary for the edification of the saints, remains.

3.      Be devoted and remain in prayerful communion with God

The ideal Levite understands how much prayer is such an integral part of worship, and not just an optional activity.  And so in the same way, you need to get to know that prayer is the structural framework around which the entire church is formed. Levites need to move in the spiritual realm and in that realm prayer is the only key. Secular music success achieved without the spiritual cannot be superimposed on the affairs of heaven.

4.      Give praise to God, always filled with thankfulness

“He appointed Levites to minister before the ark of the Lord and to celebrate [by calling to mind], thanking and praising the Lord, the God of Israel”

(1 Chronicles 16:4 AMP) 

“David told the chief Levites to appoint their brethren the singers with instruments of music—harps, lyres, and cymbals—to play loudly and lift up their voices with joy.”

(1 Chronicles 15:16 AMP)

“Also King Hezekiah and the princes ordered the Levites to sing praises to the Lord with the words of David and of Asaph the seer. And they sang praises with gladness and bowed themselves and worshiped.”

(2 Chronicles 29:30 AMP)

“Also Jehoiada appointed the offices and officers [for the care] of the house of the Lord under the direction of the Levitical priests, whom David had distributed [in his day] in the house of the Lord, to offer the burnt offerings of the Lord as written in the Law of Moses, with rejoicing and singing, as ordered by David.”

(2 Chronicles 23:18 AMP)

This is a permanent command linked to the ministry of being a Levite. Praise and worship is not optional nor is it time boxed. Your entire life must be lived to praise and worship God, at all times, every day whether on the platform or not. Your heart is worship and your life praise and both your heart and life are to be offered up in thanksgiving, on a daily basis to God.

5.      Be continually filled with The Spirit

“Speak out to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, offering praise with voices [and instruments] and making melody with all your heart to the Lord, At all times and for everything giving thanks in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God the Father.”

(Ephesians 5:19 AMP)

Being filled with the Spirit of God results in the production of songs and in praise and worship that take and keeps leaders and congregation into a place of utter dependence on the Spirit!

6.      Walk in the prophetic

Church music falls broadly into one of three categories:

• Communication of testimonies and of Bible truths from people to people
• Communication of prayer and praise from people to God
• Communication of prophecy from God to people

All throughout the bible you can see the indissoluble link between worship and speaking the heart of Christ to His people. In the Psalms that often foretold the future (Psalm 22, Psalm 46:10; Psalm 50:7-23; Psalm 81:7-16; Psalm 91:14-16, Psalm 110) and in the song of Moses (Deuteronomy 31:16-21, Deuteronomy 29, Deuteronomy 32:1-43) amongst other examples. However above the times when this occurred and are documented in scripture, we are shown that the crux of the prophetic was not in simply isolated times that a prediction of the future was given, but is God speaking continually through His servant, often time, a Levite.

• Moses, (Exodus 15:1; Deuteronomy 18:18; Deuteronomy 31:30)
• Deborah (Judges 4:4; Judges 5:1)
• David (2 Samuel 22:1; Acts 2:29)
• Isaiah (Isaiah 5:1; Isaiah 23:15; Isaiah 26:2)
• Habakkuk (Habakkuk 1:1; Habakkuk 3:1-19)
• John (Revelation 1:3; 5:9; Revelation 15:3)
• Miriam (Exodus 15:20)
• Asaph, Heman and Jeduthum (1 Chronicles 25:1-7; 2 Chronicles 5:12; 2 Chronicles 35:15)

With the last three mentioned above (Asaph, Heman and Jeduthum), the key Levitical musicians appointed by David, the bible individually calls each of these three founders a ‘seer’, in other words, a prophet. (1 Chronicles 25:5; 2 Chronicles 29:30; 2 Chronicles 35:15). Psalm 50, that carries the title, ‘a Psalm of Asaph,’ is prophetic in that it says ‘God says’ (Psalm 50:7, Psalm 50:16). Even in the case of Solomon (the only one person named in the bible that was never specifically called a prophet, but was clearly stated to have composed a biblical song), evidence of the prophetic can be seen in the revelations that He received from God (1 Kings 8:33, 1 Kings 35, 1 Kings 37, 1 Kings 41, 1 Kings 46; 1 Kings 9:2-9; 1 Kings 11:11-13).

The bond between prophecy and music is strong and holy, and Levitical prophecy in our day must be just as supernatural and prevalent as it was in Old Testament times. Every Christian musician should prophesy. This is the biblical norm.

7.      Be Christ centred

The Bible speaks of songs which focus so much on God that they are referred to by such expressions as ‘the Lord’s song’. (2 Chronicles 29:27; Psalm 42:8; 137:4). In addition to this, at least three times in the bible we find the same verse…….

“The Lord … is my song.”

(Exodus 15:2; Psalm 118:14; Isaiah 12:2 AMP)

For Levites, the focal point should be Christ; in life, in love and in song. Everything must come from Him, through Him and end in Him.

8.      Fill yourself with truth from the scripture so that you can teach others

The Bible calls the Levites ‘Israel’s teachers’ (2 Chronicles 35:3). And yet most people are not aware of the high proportion of theologians that form well known old-time hymn-writers, nor are they aware of the same truth that the theology in the sermon should be a seamless continuation of the theology sung earlier in the church service. This makes me question if perhaps this is the reason why church songs have departed more and more from core biblical principles and meandered into meaningless songs that do nothing but express how we ‘feel’ about God or about things He has done or given to us.

“Let the word [spoken by] Christ (the Messiah) have its home [in your hearts and minds] and dwell in you in [all its] richness, as you teach and admonish and train one another in all insight and intelligence and wisdom [in spiritual things, and as you sing] psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, making melody to God with [His] grace in your hearts. And whatever you do [no matter what it is] in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus and in [dependence upon] His Person, giving praise to God the Father through Him.”

(Colossians 3:16 AMP)

The bible teaches us that the ministry of the Levite is a powerful, holy ministry and therefore it should only be handled by the theologically sound and mature leaders in the house. The colossal power of praise and worship in song should not be placed in the hands of people inept at discerning the truth of the word.

“Your statutes have been my songs…….”

(Psalm 119:54)

This should be the trademark of a Levite living a true Levitical life.

9.      Live a life disciplined according to the word

The Levites had to be available for ministry ‘day and night’. That meant having the power factor of discipline to uphold a tenacious, constant; punctual, dependable, dedicated and excellent service; the discipline to excel in prayer, study of the word, and practice. This is still what God expects even now. A life disciplined according to the word is not a futile try to win the approval of people, but a revelation and understanding that we already have the only divine consent that matters through Christ.

10.  Learn the qualities of a leader

Leaders lead. Levites lead God’s people into praise and war (2 Chronicles 23:13; 2 Chronicles 8:14, Nehemiah 9:5). Therefore, Levites are leaders (Psalm 68:25; Nehemiah 12:31). The Levites in the Old Testament were literally foremen. And this remains the mandate of modern day Levites.

Christian musicians are to be leaders, not performers. You should not look to win the acclamation of audiences, but to bring fellow believers into a greater cognisance of the presence of God, a deeper love for the Lord, an increased capacity for worship, a heightened sensitivity to and hunger for the Holy Spirit, a more accurate understanding of biblical truth, and a fuller outward manifestation as an expression of Spirit-led unity.

A great Levite should lead the people in unity, in the same direction, to communion with God so that the congregation can best express their hearts to God. Since the needs of the congregation are known only to God, a Levite’s dependence on the Holy Spirit of God for prophetic insight before leading God’s people is obvious. This means that one distraction in a Levite can greatly hinder the work of the Holy Spirit in the lives of people by breaking the bond between worship and God speaking His heart into people-this is often felt as ‘cold and empty worship’ at church.

As a Levite you need great sensitivity to the Holy Spirit and great obedience to God in order for your flesh never to get in the way of the atmosphere of worship and of the prophetic. Ideally, only those Levites who have a real fear and reverence for God should be entrusted with leadership. But often time in practice, Levitical leadership positions are either grabbed by those who are power hungry, or apportioned according to popularity and unholy alliances. This is not the heart of God, neither is it a safe place to be for anyone who has not been placed there by God Himself as He is looking for servants who’s joy it is to take the people to the mountain, not celebrities who want to stand on the mountain looking down at everyone else.

If you are a Levite, you are a leader of God’s people and you need to:

• Understand where God wants His people to go
• Know how to get there
• Be courageous and full of faith to take God’s people there

11.  Be strong in your faith

Strong faith is a prerequisite for being a spiritual leader.

“When he had consulted with the people, he appointed singers to sing to the Lord and praise Him in their holy [priestly] garments as they went out before the army, saying, give thanks to the Lord, for His mercy and loving-kindness endure forever!” 

(2 Chronicles 20:21 AMP)

The singers took the dangerous position of going out in front of Jehoshaphat’s army, when approaching three enemy armies of formidable force and great strength. It is with the same faith that Levites lead a congregation every time into unknown territories of battle and war. This is your example of faith!

12.  Be Holy

Levites lived inside the temple (1 Chronicles 9:33; Ezekiel 40:44), not being able to dwell therein if they ever became temporarily unclean (Leviticus 21:1-3; 2 Chronicles 29:34; 2 Chronicles 30:3, 2 Chronicles 23:19; Psalm 24:3; Exodus 18:10-13; Joshua 7:13). Living and sustaining a holy life was a prerequisite for the Levitical ministry.

2 Chronicles 5:12 tells us the Levites were clothed in white linen (significant in Revelation 19:8 as a symbol of righteousness). The pursuit of holiness was the precursor for Levitical leadership. And this has not changed. Wrong living nullifies your entire ministry before God.

13.  Walk in Godly and visible humility

Christ looks for the opposite of what the world does when it comes to Levites. The secular music industry wants stars (whom they can plunder of their money, self-esteem and talents in return for temporary acclaim) and yet God demands servants and willing partakers who are ready to sacrifice what it takes to complete the work.

Humble Levites are spiritually sound, discerning, wise, and free from inflated ego-in direct contrast to world stars who are the antithesis of all the above. They understand that humility (a secret weapon that operates in several ordinary and supernatural ways), is the key to exaltation by God that truly satisfies and the lasts beyond the temporary counterfeit popularity offered by the world. They recognise that they are on a journey and so therefore seek good counsel to stay them on course. They know that God resists the proud. (James 4:6; 1 Peter 5:5).

14.  Sustain a dynamic and intimate relationship with God

The result of a deep relationship between a Levite and God are given for us to follow in the bible. To walk in the ministry like the man referred to ‘the sweet psalmist of Israel’ (2 Samuel 23:1) requires:

• A beautiful, patient and forgiving spirit, (2 Samuel 16:6)
• Humility (Psalm 51:1-5)
• Faith (2 Samuel 12:15)
• Intense hunger for God (Psalm 143:6)
• Deep yearning for holiness (Psalm 139:23) and
• Zeal to obey the Lord (1 Samuel 13:14)

These are the fruit of a genuine relationship with the living God.

Another thing of note is that of the thirty-eight thousand Priests and Levites chosen by David, ALL OF THEM were all aged 30+ years old (1 Chronicles 23:3-5). The principle behind this is often overlooked in churches. Young men and women are given the entire pulpit to blossom and shine in their gift and yet no provision is made for their character until they fall (the fall in question always being as public as the platform they previously stood on). This would be so easily avoided if attention was paid to maturity and strength of carry before positions heavier than the young can bear are handed out.

“If any man [eagerly] seeks the office of bishop (superintendent, overseer), he desires an excellent task (work). Now a bishop (superintendent, overseer) must give no grounds for accusation but must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, circumspect and temperate and self-controlled; [he must be] sensible and well behaved and dignified and lead an orderly (disciplined) life; [he must be] hospitable [showing love for and being a friend to the believers, especially strangers or foreigners, and be] a capable and qualified teacher, Not given to wine, not combative but gentle and considerate, not quarrelsome but forbearing and peaceable, and not a lover of money [insatiable for wealth and ready to obtain it by questionable means]. He must rule his own household well, keeping his children under control, with true dignity, commanding their respect in every way and keeping them respectful. For if a man does not know how to rule his own household, how is he to take care of the church of God? He must not be a new convert, or he may [develop a beclouded and stupid state of mind] as the result of pride [be blinded by conceit, and] fall into the condemnation that the devil [once] did. Furthermore, he must have a good reputation and be well thought of by those outside [the church], lest he become involved in slander and incur reproach and fall into the devil’s trap. In like manner the deacons [must be] worthy of respect, not shifty and double-talkers but sincere in what they say, not given to much wine, not greedy for base gain [craving wealth and resorting to ignoble and dishonest methods of getting it]. They must possess the mystic secret of the faith [Christian truth as hidden from ungodly men] with a clear conscience. And let them also be tried and investigated and proved first; then, if they turn out to be above reproach, let them serve [as deacons]. [The] women likewise must be worthy of respect and serious, not gossipers, but temperate and self-controlled, [thoroughly] trustworthy in all things.”

(1 Timothy 3:1-11 AMP)

Paul instructs us in the bible that leaders in the church must present as mature in the faith lest being lifted up with pride they fall into the condemnation of the devil. Perhaps that was the most important part of this blog, and yet most will pass it by.

15.  Allow the Holy Spirit to quicken to your Spirit the song in season

The Holy Spirit moves you to respond to God in the way that God wants, in order to increase your faith in Him, encourage you to yield in a greater way to Him, lead you to repentance, enable you to lift your praise to Him, help you pray to Him, inspire you to love Him, unburden you and open a channel through which your praise, worship and prayer can flow to Him and His gifts can flow to you.

He does this via quickening of your spirit which is dependent on your relationship with God. If you put the latter in place, it gives way to the former – which in every season, with every song, is powerful, relevant and life-changing.

16.  Be fully committed to God and not to the cult of popularity often reserved for musicians

It is imperative that as Levites we never soil true spirituality with worldly ways in our continuous journey of leading the people of God to the promise land. We must only move when, and only when, God says we should move. Our clinging to the word of God as our sole authority (and not merely the fact that the name of God appears in the songs we sing), distinguishes us as Levites set apart. When success in the world demands a commitment to the industry and its powers at be and success in church demands a commitment to the status quo and the leaders; success in Christ Jesus demands fearless commitment to God which saves us from being slaves to human acclaim and renders us fully devoted, fully satisfied and fully rewarded servants of the Most High God.

It is only in this lonely and unpopular place that we can receive revelations of radical and mostly forgotten truths through which we become full and complete in our life and ministry, led by the Spirit of God and fuelled by the breath of God.

17.  Be integrated, in the exact way stipulated by God, into the body of Christ, the church

“For because of Him the whole body (the church, in all its various parts), closely joined and firmly knit together by the joints and ligaments with which it is supplied, when each part [with power adapted to its need] is working properly [in all its functions], grows to full maturity, building itself up in love.”

(Ephesians 4:16 AMP)

“And not holding fast to the Head, from whom the entire body, supplied and knit together by means of its joints and ligaments, grows with a growth that is from God.”

(Colossians 2:19 AMP)

Unless we are in our correct place, alongside our correct joints, connected to God the head, we are in the body of Christ, useless because we cannot function in ministry if we are disjointed and/ or disconnected.

This means that as a Levite, you need to be able to:

• Be subject to authority and leadership
• Relate well to other Levites and members of the body of Christ
• Contribute at every opportunity to meet a need and not for any recognition
• Look for ways to help out other ministries in the church and church members both inside and outside the confines of the church walls
• Love and serve everyone, truly, genuinely and with honesty

“For you, brethren, were [indeed] called to freedom; only [do not let your] freedom be an incentive to your flesh and an opportunity or excuse [for selfishness], but through love you should serve one another. For the whole Law [concerning human relationships] is complied with in the one precept, you shall love your neighbour as [you do] yourself…….. Walk and live [habitually] in the [Holy] Spirit [responsive to and controlled and guided by the Spirit]; then you will certainly not gratify the cravings and desires of the flesh (of human nature without God). For the desires of the flesh are opposed to the [Holy] Spirit, and the [desires of the] Spirit are opposed to the flesh (godless human nature); for these are antagonistic to each other [continually withstanding and in conflict with each other], so that you are not free but are prevented from doing what you desire to do. But if you are guided (led) by the [Holy] Spirit, you are not subject to the Law. Now the doings (practices) of the flesh are clear (obvious): they are immorality, impurity, indecency, Idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, anger (ill temper), selfishness, divisions (dissensions), party spirit (factions, sects with peculiar opinions, heresies), Envy, drunkenness, carousing, and the like. I warn you beforehand, just as I did previously, that those who do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the [Holy] Spirit [the work which His presence within accomplishes] is love, joy (gladness), peace, patience (an even temper, forbearance), kindness, goodness (benevolence), faithfulness, Gentleness (meekness, humility), self-control (self-restraint, continence). Against such things there is no law [that can bring a charge]. And those who belong to Christ Jesus (the Messiah) have crucified the flesh (the godless human nature) with its passions and appetites and desires. If we live by the [Holy] Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. [If by the Holy Spirit we have our life in God, let us go forward walking in line, our conduct controlled by the Spirit.] Let us not become vainglorious and self-conceited, competitive and challenging and provoking and irritating to one another, envying and being jealous of one another.”

(Galatians 5:13-14, 16-26)

Without fully taking on this lifestyle, we cannot and will never reach our full potential, no matter how talented or spiritual we think we are.

In Closing……

From the institution of the Levitical ministry in the Old Testament, to today and beyond, it has been necessary that temple Levites be mature, musically trained, spiritually prepared and pastorally supported. To be a Levite in the house of God is a great privilege and a most responsible service and so therefore the principles established by God in the Old Testament for the Levitical priesthood should be applied as valid guidelines by all modern day Levites and those who depend on them for the ministry.

We must as Levites, get out of this mentality that our involvement in church music is just playing and singing as a starter to whip up congregational excitement before the main course of Pastor, as a precursor to the preaching of the word or as a filler in the church order of service. And churches must stop kidding themselves that the sole prerequisites for Christian vocalists and musicians are a simple confession of faith and musical ability with any additional spirituality being an optional extra. Christians rarely give the pulpit lightly to pastors who do not have a long list of vetted credentials and verified spiritual maturity, and yet across the globe, highly skilled musicians and vocalists are offered the same position of prominence as the preacher with no hesitation, irrespective of their maturity in the faith. Often hidden amongst the genuine Levites are fame hungry, temperamental artists maintaining resistance to the Spirit’s yearning to fashion their character in the image of Christ behind perfectly rehearsed performances of praise and worship via their obvious musical gifting.

Music is important, church music even more so. So we must have a conviction that to be involved in its production as Levites is a high and anointed calling. Consequently, we cannot dare exalt musicality over discernment and spiritual insight, elevate sound above character, or promote secular acclamation over God’s anointing.

True progress as Levites is as reliant on on pouring over sheet music as it is on scripture and on the Spirit Himself. Spiritual music comes from Spirit filled Levites. Prayer makes practice perfect!

To all my fellow Levites out there…..GO!

Stay Fabulous

Bella.x

We Need To Talk:

After watching this happening repeatedly in ‘charismatic’ churches over years, one particular event a couple of weeks ago finally broke me. The straw it had been heaping on my back became too heavy for me to bear. So I decided to blog about………fornication and what happens when it goes wrong. When churches use the people caught to invite public stoning in order to ‘drive the message home’ that ‘we don’t tolerate that’ – whatever ‘that’ even is!

Definitions

Bear with me here it might seem like this paragraph is teaching you how to suck eggs but it is here primarily for all my peers who in my opinion, use their grossly insufficient views of what sex and fornication actually is and constitutes of to hide behind their (wrong) practice and acceptance of it as inconsequential to their walk of faith.

Sex is defined by the dictionary as:

• Coitus (Sexual intercourse between a man and woman involving insertion of the penis into the vagina)
• Any physical contact between two individuals involving (direct and indirect) stimulation of the genital organs of at least one

Fornication (which is important to know for the purposes of this piece) is also according to the dictionary defined as: ‘Voluntary/ consensual sexual intercourse between two unmarried persons or two persons not married to each other’

The word fornication has been historically translated from the Greek porneia, the original definition of which is provided by Strong’s concordance as:

• Illicit (forbidden if conducted outside one man and one woman married to each other and no one else) sexual intercourse
• Adultery, homosexuality, lesbianism, intercourse with animals, intercourse with more than one person
• Sexual intercourse with close relatives (Leviticus 18)
• Sexual intercourse with a divorced man or woman (Mark 10:11-12)

One can also go through the Septuagint translation of the Old Testament to see what Hebrew words were translated to porneia to get an idea of what the word meant. If you do it, you will find:

• Zanah – To lie down like a prostitute (Jeremiah 2:20, Micah 1:7)
• Zenunim – Harlotry, prostitution (Hosea 1:2, Nahum 3:4)
• Zenuth – Unfaithfulness, prostitution (Numbers 14:33, Jeremiah 3:2, Hosea 4:11)
• Taznuth – Harlotry, lust (Ezekiel 16:15, 23:7&11)

There is NO reputable Greek lexicon or dictionary which includes pornography or masturbation as a part of the definition of porneia even though the word pornography has clearly evolved from the Greek porneia. The actual Greek word for masturbation was anaphlan, which does not appear at all in the Bible. This does not however, permit either (as they both count as direct and indirect stimulation of the genital area).

So now we should all be clear exactly what the ‘church’ and the bible mean when they say fornication. This root word includes all forms of sexual act, thought, word or deed (resulting in both direct and indirect stimulation of someone’s genital organs) that are not within the confines of one single heterosexual marriage in which the acts are committed between you and your consenting spouse ALONE (this might seem like a straightforward thing to say but if your spouse does not consent or feels physically/ mentally/ emotionally/ spiritually coerced into sexual acts with you then this is non-consensual sex which is also forbidden in the bible). Any of the above involving anyone else other than your legal spouse is classed as adultery (when you are married). If you are not, this is fornication.

Got Caught Out!

I tried to find statistics on fornication in the modern church and surprise surprise-I couldn’t. So I did my own straw poll from the closest Christian married twenty girlfriends I have had in the past ten years. Only FIVE made it married without having coital relations with their now spouse and out of those five, only THREE of them made it without having done anything other than kiss their now spouse. But I can’t speak for the men whether or not they ever watched porn or masturbated whilst with my friend when they weren’t ‘getting it’.

Let’s not kid ourselves, this is not unrepresentative. The individuals classed above include women from all walks of life, all nationalities AND all types of churches but mostly the charismatic variety. They had and still have great walks with God, great marriages and happy families. But out of the twenty, two of them have something in common; they ‘got’ pregnant before they were married. And this sometimes happens I guess when people engage in sexual intercourse. But my problem is the way this and the ‘discovery’ of sexual immorality / sin (usually by the resulting pregnancy and the woman’s decision to keep the baby) are dealt with in the church. This is the subject of this blog piece!

DO TIME!

• Step down from ministry-OK
• For 1-3 years-Really?
• Re-do church membership class-Because I am automatically excluded by you for something I struggled and failed with!
• Attend EVERY cell group/ prayer meeting/ church service-And hand in my resignation/ let my studies fall apart so I can have you sign my ‘holy’ register……? Are you planning to make an exception if I work shifts or have exams coming up? And what about when my baby is born. If I have a caesarean or if it takes me time to heal/ settle/ adjust-do I have to still drag myself and my baby out in the cold as a single Mom with no transport? Are you going to punish me-and how long for exactly?
• If your attendance is not satisfactory (by whoever asserts themselves as holier than you enough to act as your mentor/ jailer), you will need to attend 4x for every once skipped-WTH?????
• Confess in front of the ENTIRE congregation-so they can all kiss their teeth at me as a harlot when I walk down the hallway, stop talking to me, judge me and cast stones at me. Oh-and not actually help me or encourage me, or even realise that now I have this baby I am struggling to love when everyone is making me feel like I should hate him/ her! What if my baby’s dad is in a position of leadership in the church?
• Attend counselling once a week for 1yr+-which I will clearly need more (after the psychological effects the congregations attitudes indirectly encouraged by the leaderships’ has left on me) than I need because I already feel deeply depressed at what I have done and where I find myself being so far than anything I had ever dreamed of/ wanted and having now to turn this into my dream
• Have your (few) movements chaperoned by someone from the pastoral counselling team who didn’t know you until your ‘case’ turned up on their desk making you their ‘patient’

The Rest

“I wish I’d had an abortion. But how can I think that? It says in the bible that God creates every child. So if my child is a consequence of sin-does that mean he/ she wasn’t created by God? That doesn’t sound right to me! I want to love him/ her, I want people to get excited with me, but they just won’t let it go. And now many people have deserted me, and even my friends who are all fornicating with their boyfriends have distanced themselves because they are scared I’ll drag them down with me. I feel alone and to be honest I can’t be bothered. My body hurts everywhere and all these demands-I don’t love people who are hurting me enough to carry out their demands. I’m out!”

“So what if we want to continue our relationship without being ‘forced’ to get married just because I’m pregnant? We want to do it in our own time and not think we did it just so we didn’t have our baby before. But then why must we then separate and he painted irresponsible because he won’t ‘marry me’ like if that is what validates our child. Is his/ her existence not enough to validate him/ her? And so if we don’t do what you say now why will you not dedicate our child? I’m out!

“I just had an abortion but I would rather torment myself forever than let them do to me what I saw them do to my friend. Not too sure God will ever love me again but I love Him even though I can’t ever say that I am sorry for what I did. The alternative is more unbearable to me than what I had to do. Don’t think I’ll ever tell whoever I marry; this will just be one of those things that eat away my heart until the day I die. I’m in, but I guess deep down-I’m out”.

“No one knows I am on the pill/ just took the morning after pill because I skipped a day by accident/ the condom tore/ that we’re having sex. Does that make me a bad person? I don’t really care I have been with him five years and we were ‘allowed’ to date from when we were sixteen but they want us to wait to get married. We have decided to do it our own way and just stop feeling guilty because as far as we are concerned we are sure we will get married and would do so tomorrow if they would stop telling us we are too young. So we’ve reached a compromise and well-stuff them. We’re out!”

THAT RIGHT THERE is the reality of how these things pan out. Although I must be clear. I do not condone sexual immorality of any sort, but I am a solution driven person and what I do believe is that ‘the rest’ must be looked at before ‘doing time’ is arrived at. Because potentially 65% of unmarried 16-30year olds in the church are currently sexually active and getting away with it which is completely overlooked like this means their walk with God is ok?

But how on earth do you expect to ever learn about ‘the rest’ when you’re so busy prosecuting and witch hunting and spin doctoring? Who do you think will ever come forward and tell you that they’re looking down at that slippery slope with a large dosage of vertigo? And why should they? When all they see are their friends leaving the church/ dropping out of faith because of the way you’re treating them when they get caught? I wouldn’t! And if I would be ostracised from the church for being the only one that gets excited for my friend then so be it. I am more for mercy from heaven than I am for earthly justice because heavenly mercy is not without fire, but earthly justice is without God and therefore, without grace.

Before the fall!

I want to talk to all the pastors and shepherds in the house (global kingdom of God) here and school you on what to do with ‘us’ so ‘we’ don’t get to you needing the next paragraph of this blog piece.

Why do ‘we’ do it? I have bullet pointed below some of the pitfalls of charismatic churches that in my opinion, contribute to why young adults and adults are increasingly sexually active within the church without regard for the sacredness and sanctity of sexual intimacy in marriage.

• The leaders never preach/ teach on it
• The leaders never invite questions on it
• The leaders never facilitate an environment in church where ‘we’ can talk about it openly
• The leaders never ask ‘us’ why ‘we’ are having sex
• The leaders are not prepared to listen
• The leaders are not approachable
• The leaders are unrighteously judgemental
• The leaders punish instead of judging with mercy and grace
• The leaders apply tactics that do not work (such as forced separation etc)
• Parents never teach their children restraint in a world where society says you can have whatever you want right now without waiting (lack of familial and financial discipline=lack of sexual discipline)
• Parents don’t facilitate an environment where children can ask as many questions on sex as they need to learn the correct way what purpose it serves

Now it says in the bible….

“Train up a child in the way he should go [and in keeping with his individual gift or bent], and when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)

But how can ‘we’ not depart from something ‘we’ have not been trained in? “Don’t do it” doesn’t cut it in a world where children are more and more curious and exposed to a world more information at an earlier age. Not talking to children openly and honestly in great detail about sex at the beginning of primary school is a MASSIVE mistake. I came to this country aged ten years old. In two weeks I knew what oral sex was and how to do it along with other things that the girls I was befriending were doing behind the bike shed with the boys. That is the reality of playground talk and that was seventeen years ago. Now-it is even worse! Ten year olds are getting pregnant and primary school children are being taught how gay sex works which means they can, not only distinguish the difference between anal and vaginal sex, but are cognisant of the role of sex toys and pornography which is why children between the ages of 12-15 now watch porn more than adults do.

This is the beginning of the end. If you do not get to children before the world does, you will lose them to the world-if not physically, in their minds. Then ‘THE SEPARATION’ will occur. The relationship between God and sexuality will become severed and in going forward, will be permanently seen as independent one from another. This broken link is almost impossible to reconcile. This castration of God’s original template is the largest contributing factor to why ‘we’ have sex. And by the time ‘we’ get to sixteen, it is too late to try and educate ‘us’.

At this point in my life, I know of less than a handful of people out of hundreds of my peers who have kept the link between God and sexuality pure and intact from childhood into adulthood.

Personally, I have gone on a journey of re-building this link in my life and above all the seminars I have attended, conversations I have had with Christian friends and mentors, bible chapters and books that I have read, I have one book to thank for helping me make that re-connect. ‘Sex God: Exploring the Endless Connections between Sexuality and Spirituality’ by Rob Bell saved my life and future marriage. It did for me what my parents and every church leader I have ever had, failed to do (largely due to cultural and societal norm not to talk sex as a taboo topic). It established a link in me so strong between God and sex that I am now unable to separate the two. But I have worked hard for this because I knew I was insufficient in my understanding of intimacy and the more I knew God, the more I felt a gap between Him and my understanding of sex, my body and the connection between the purpose of them all.

But that was me and I was hungry for the template that I knew existed if not in practice in my life. It is by the grace of God that ‘we’ in our generation come to this renewal of mind, soul, body and spirit. The truth is that church is still full of young adults and adults who still do not understand that God and sexuality were never created to be apart. They have sex outside of marriage and then are not fulfilled in their marriage sex lives because they have sex outside of God and don’t get that what they are doing is a re-enactment of communion and a representation of the intimacy intended by Christ with His bride the church. It’s deep and I have a revelation of it. But where are ‘we’ getting taught this!

And those are the ones who make it married. Sometimes a girl will get pregnant before she is married. But instead of the church and her parents and everyone around her examining themselves to see how far back ‘this’ started, they jump to corporate punishment.

If you have ever instigated or supported public punishment in your church of those caught in sin, the next few paragraphs are for you. May the Lord God teach you the right way!

Mercy

So what is mercy? And how do we calibrate it against ensuring we teach our people well in our treatment of those who have fallen in their walk? We know that God’s template is a certain way for families and life, but in this all, we must separate the person who falls from the rest of the congregation!

Mercy comes after the fall. There must be much private alignment of the person’s life with God’s intended pattern, and then public mercy shown. Jesus never invited anyone to stone anyone else in public and if anything-He condemned it. His pattern is the only way we should deal with these things. Draw a line in the sand, protect the person from stones, take them somewhere new and help them put themselves back together in the intimacy of grace.

This is not rocket science. Counselling-yes! Prayer-Yes! Buddying up-Yes! Potential relocation-Yes! Encouragement to attend and BELONG-Yes! But for the love of God, you cannot deny someone the chance to minister FOR YEARS because they fell (if they want help to come back to right standing before God). Perhaps they can’t serve somewhere so public but still, they must serve because to take that away from them is to take away what God created them for. And what exactly will a forced confession in front of an entire congregation do? The love of God builds people, and yet somehow the church tears people down. Doesn’t this just mean we are not conduits of the love of God? So are we really Christians and worthy of the name that is Himself love?

“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is (springs) from God; and he who loves [his fellowmen] is begotten (born) of God and is coming [progressively] to know and understand God [to perceive and recognize and get a better and clearer knowledge of Him]. He who does not love has not become acquainted with God [does not and never did know Him], for God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest (displayed) where we are concerned: in that God sent His Son, the only begotten or unique [Son], into the world so that we might live through Him. In this is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation (the atoning sacrifice) for our sins. Beloved, if God loved us so [very much], we also ought to love one another.” (1 John 4:7-11)

“There is no fear in love [dread does not exist], but full-grown (complete, perfect) love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror! For fear brings with it the thought of punishment, and [so] he who is afraid has not reached the full maturity of love [is not yet grown into love’s complete perfection].” (1 John 4:18)

“If anyone says, I love God, and hates (detests, abominates) his brother [in Christ], he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, Whom he has not seen. And this command (charge, order, and injunction) we have from Him: that he who loves God shall love his brother [believer] also.” (1 John 4:20-21)

When Jesus came to die on the cross for our sins, did he ever ask us to stand before the Sanhedrin before He went there on our behalf? Were we ever to confess our shame publicly? Did he invite us to stone each other one last time before He died? Did he turn the woman with the alabaster jar away from service because she fell? Did he scorn Zaccheus up the tree to stay there lest he got his hands on him to discipline him? Did he tell Nicodemus to wait a year before he could get the secret of the Kingdom because He had a questionable past?

“For God did not send the Son into the world in order to judge (to reject, to condemn, to pass sentence on) the world but that the world might find salvation and be made safe and sound through Him.” (John 3:17)

Mercy facilitates you back into the throne room where judgement abides, but grace also. Mercy is when everyone knows you’ve done wrong, but they choose not to punish you according to their own understanding because they understand that judgement and punishment are not only two separate things entirely, but that although judgement according to biblical specification is permissible, punishment however is not.

And this is why……

Judgement

Judgement is the evaluation of evidence used in the making of a decision. So in basic terms-you are fornicating outside of marriage=you are sinning/ are a sinner/ have fallen short of God’s template for your life. We have evaluated the evidence and reached a conclusion, judgement SHOULD stop here. But more often than not, punishment (the authoritative imposition of something negative or unpleasant on a person in response to behaviour deemed wrong by an individual or group) is thrown into the mix. And in the context of what led me to write this blog piece, the lines have become so blurred that I see in churches much punishment, but no judgement; much death, but no life.

This is not OK because judgement has been created by God to expose sin, in order for mercy to rescue and grace to teach. Punishment however, is man’s interpretation of how they should impose God’s judgement and more often than not, distributed independently of, and without either mercy or grace. It is no surprise then when we see this punishment killing, stealing and destroying people’s lives and although first painful, judgement brings life by first pruning of dead parts in order for the whole body to blossom and fruit again in the next season.

Mercy triumphs over justice

“Those who are strong and well (healthy) have no need of a physician, but those who are weak and sick. Go and learn what this means: I desire mercy [that is, readiness to help those in trouble] and not sacrifice and sacrificial victims. For I came not to call and invite [to repentance] the righteous (those who are upright and in right standing with God), but sinners (the erring ones and all those not free from sin).” (Matthew 9:12-13)

“So speak and so act as [people should] who are to be judged under the law of liberty [the moral instruction given by Christ, especially about love].For to him who has shown no mercy the judgment [will be] merciless, but mercy [full of glad confidence] exults victoriously over judgment.” (James 2:12-13)

When it comes to judging we always need to make sure we judge fairly and righteously (John 7:24) because this leads directly to mercy and grace; and this should be only after we know the facts and consider the situation. This is not an unforgiving or sudden judgment. It is a concerned response full of mercy intended to heal, help and deliver hope.

Mercy and judgment offer more than punishment and scorn which usually accompany prejudice, bitterness, pride and hatred. Judgement is connected to mercy and grace, forgiveness and hope. The kind of public punishment and humiliation often dished out to the women in church that get caught out pregnant usually delivers an unjust final verdict while mercy offers another chance and a fresh start. Mercy is what we need and where would any of us be without the great mercy of God? Through mercy God gives us what we need, not what we deserve. It is all a part of His law that gives life and freedom.  If we do not, in our entire pastoring, pass on this tremendous gift, we become selfish, short-sighted and unrepresentative of Christ for failing to relate that which we have received. If we punish and leave broken instead of judge with mercy to heal – we have failed God in our calling.

If you are a pastor reading this then I implore you to remember in your treatment of those caught in sin that our God is a judging and merciful God, one who abides in love, lives in justice and does not punish and break His children. Instead of the punishment which we deserve, each and every day we receive mercy and grace through judgement in our lives. It was by the mercy of God that Noah was not the last righteous man on earth after God judged the earth with a flood. It is by the mercy through the judgement of God that you are here today. And it is by the mercy through the judgement of God that born-again Christians will spend eternity with the greatest giver of mercy, the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. So let us forsake punishment and let judgement lead to mercy that forgives and grace that renews. We who have been charged with the lives of others need to think truly of what reflects heaven the best.

Stay Fabulous

Bella.x

On reflection after a conversation with a friend, I began to read through Malachi again, some of which deals with God’s refusal to bless the nation of Israel because of the failure of the men of Israel to be faithful to their marriage covenants. The book tells the story of a people with renewed zeal for God.  They returned to the land of Israel, re-instituted Levite worship, made offerings imploring God to bless them, and yet God refused to do so saying that He had turned a deaf ear to their cries due their unfaithfulness to the marriage covenant instituted by God Himself. The following part arrested my attention, a simple few verses packed with meaning, implication and application:

‘And did not God make [you and your wife] one [flesh]? Did not One make you and preserve your spirit alive? And why [did God make you two] one? Because He sought a godly offspring [from your union]. Therefore take heed to yourselves, and let no one deal treacherously and be faithless to the wife of his youth. For the Lord, the God of Israel, says: I hate divorce and marital separation and him who covers his garment [his wife] with violence. Therefore keep a watch upon your spirit [that it may be controlled by My Spirit], that you deal not treacherously and faithlessly [with your marriage mate].’ Malachi 2:15-16 (Amp)

Who, What, When, Where, Why?

This singular book in the bible raises more questions than gave me answers on this topic. Does God ‘make’ you husband and wife once your marriage is consummated or does God choose him/ her from before time began??? Does that mean she is his wife BEFORE you are married? What makes her your wife before you are married if you have not ‘been’ with her? And does that mean God chose it that way and you can’t do anything to change it? And if you do, that it is part of the script already written out for your life? Is divorce of certain marriages part of the will of God? Do we have free-will? Does God already know what our free-will to choose will result in? Is that part of His great plan also? How can a loving God create a ‘husband’ for you fully knowing that he will bring you pain that is not of God and that separates you from all notion of love from the Father? A love that he has been mandated to pour out on you as Christ has loved the church and poured out Himself for her! A bride that Christ has loved for eternity since the beginning of time…..????

‘He who finds a [true] wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord.’  Proverbs 18:22 (Amp)

But then what is a ‘true wife’? What is truth? If truth exists then surely it is calibrated against an untruth? And if Jesus said that the truth will set us free – does this means that you could find a wife that wouldn’t set you free? If Jesus said that He is the truth, does that mean that you could find yourself a ‘Christian’ wife who is not of God? A wife that you found, that is not ‘the truth’ to set you free in the midst of many alternatives, some of which may be such slight variations that perhaps one would not notice the difference?

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for???

‘Now the Lord God said, It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper meet (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him.’ Genesis 2:18 (Amp)

Seeing many of my friends take part in many long term relationships that led to nowhere other than a long stay at heartbreak hotel really made me search my heart for and question every single one of my core beliefs on whether there was such a thing as ‘the one’. I’ve heard thrown around the doctrine of there not being such a thing and of there being a potential pool of people out of whom we choose and then God blesses our choice. This never sat well with me so recently I decided to dissect my thought on this. I consider myself a thoughtful and intellectual person which helped me in this process and so I did the only logical thing my mind found to do, I peeled back every courtship and marriage relationship in the bible, spent months studying the steps leading up to each covenant marriage agreement between each husband and wife and I finally came to the conclusion that I don’t actually agree that there is no such thing as ‘the one’. And these are my reasons why…….

God is Eternally, Specifically and Purposefully Intentional!

‘The Lord of hosts has sworn, saying, surely, as I have thought and planned, so shall it come to pass, and as I have purposed, so shall it stand.’ Isaiah 14:24 (Amp)

‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways says the Lord. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. For as the rain cometh down and the snow from heaven, and doesn’t return, but waters the earth and makes it bring forth and bud that it may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater… So shall my word be that goes forth out of my mouth. It shall not return to me void, but shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.’ Isaiah 55:8-11 (Amp)

I have given this much thought and come to a radical conclusion-I believe in pre-destination! The way I see it, God creates with purpose and nothing that He creates misses its purpose because if it did then that would mean His purpose wasn’t absolute or perfect, both of which I believe they are!

‘A wife is bound to her husband by law as long as he lives. If the husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she will, only [provided that he too is] in the Lord.’ 1 Corinthians 7:39 (Amp)

The bible verse above makes one thing very clear that somewhat terrifies and yet simultaneously comforts a woman-that a woman’s God ordained husband is not one of her own choice. So this means that as long as she is seeking first God’s kingdom, maximising her God given beauty and positioning herself in the right places at the right time, nothing more that she can do will result in ‘the one’ liking her anymore or any less. It helps her realise that nothing is ‘wrong’ with her if she don’t get married by a certain age and it teaches her that her love for her husband will grow out of a desire placed by God that is laid deep in parts of her soul that she might not even grasp.

I hear my Christian friends say all the time when they get engaged ‘I’ve never felt this way about a guy before, I can’t imagine my life without him’. Now I am beginning to question how subconscious and profound this statement runs and how much pre-programming (for want of a better word) might be involved in us arriving at the point where the specific enzyme-substrate complex occurs and the reaction moves forward! Surely God does not leave this up to us/ to chance? I don’t think so!

‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be united firmly (joined inseparably) to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together let not man put asunder (separate). They said to Him, Why then did Moses command [us] to give a certificate of divorce and thus to dismiss and repudiate a wife? He said to them, Because of the hardness (stubbornness and perversity) of your hearts Moses permitted you to dismiss and repudiate and divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been so [ordained]. I say to you: whoever dismisses (repudiates, divorces) his wife, except for unchastity, and marries another, commits adultery and he who marries a divorced woman, commits adultery.’ Matthew 19: 5-9 (Amp)

‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.’ Genesis 2:24 (Amp)

Re-reading the above verses strikes me every time. Jesus refers to a man’s woman as his wife BEFORE the marriage ceremony and consummation occurs. And just when you would have gone down the ‘he chose her’ philosophy…..he chimes in with ‘what therefore God has joined together’!

Final Destination!

I found many biblical verses backing up both the theory of pre-destination and of free-will in my journey to write this piece. They were important in my journey of understanding and yet out of all of them, one became the deciding word!

‘Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them’ Psalm 139:16 (NASB)

The question of my belief in pre-destination brought up the question of ‘divine election’ and although I have specifically stayed away from that quarrel-inducing topic for the sake of this blog piece that has more to do with something else, what I will say is this. I don’t think one can separate free-will of choice from pre-destination as one is perfectly capable within the other. I believe that God creates us with the capacity to choose freely, but I believe that before we have even been conceived God knows in His sovereignty what choices we will make and I believe that all those choices are part of His plan given the fact that He has created us with the capacity to make and follow through with those choices. I believe that God knows that our choices will take us ultimately either to hell or heaven and although it is not His will that anyone would perish, people will because of their choices and as God only responds to faith and repentance, He chooses not to intervene.

‘For I have no pleasure in the death of him who dies, says the Lord God. Therefore turn (be converted) and live!’ Ezekiel 18:32 (Amp)

Leave me alone

The bible also deals with the ending of marriage which is a tricky topic in itself but I believe offers some very important lesson in God. Marriage is a representation of the relationship between Christ and the church and although I have known several young Christian couples to divorce, my take on it is this: If a marriage ends (and I mean irreparably ends permanently) in any way including the death of one or both, then I still believe that the couple were (even if the end occurred due to relational breakdown) the husband/ wife purposed for each other, but that it was pre-destined that their marriage would only last that long as a result of the choices that they would make and here is where this lesson comes back again-I do not think one can separate free-will of choice from pre-destination as one is perfectly capable within the other.

My personal opinion from my observations of marriages is that some of them and even indeed every marriage at some point reflect the periods of breakdown in relationship between Christ and His bride in the same way that they reflect it in all its full glory. I see just as much prophetic message from Christ to the church in marriage breakdown as I do in marriage build up and irrespective of what the choices result in, in it all God wants to reconcile us to Himself a bride pure, spotless and without blemish.

And so…..

I have resolved that God is the primary agent and the initiation of a marriage covenant in which a man and a woman come together, only as secondary agents. It is the Lord who made them one before time began. God creates a marital union, the man and woman are responders first and initiators second. To describe God as the facilitator of man’s choice stemming from incomplete and inferior knowledge, describing a situation in which God ratifies the decisions of the parties being married is to weaken and make passive God’s role in marriage. Just as God has predestined those who will choose to come to faith in Him by virtue of their decision (based on the choice to choose that He gives), so He has also predestined whom we will marry.  In the same way that God inclines the hearts of all men toward Christ and knows before time began who would respond and when; it could well be that all of those emotions and desires we have toward our partner in courtship go deeper than our hormonal, emotional response and sense of romanticism.  I believe that this is God inclining our hearts toward a particular person to ultimately cause us to unite in marriage with ‘the one’.

Looking at it in this way adds far greater weight to a marriage covenant.  This means that a man and a woman cannot undo a marriage as and how they feel like because they did not initiate it.  God did and it was His idea.  In the same way, a man and a woman cannot undo a marriage because they are not the only parties to the covenant.  God is the chief party; He is the author, initiator and perfector of the marriage covenant.

In closing…..

To Femi and Jummy

‘Many are the afflictions of the righteous; but the LORD delivers him out of them all.’ Psalm 34:19 (KJB)

I dedicate my thoughts to courting couples like my good friends Femi and Jummy (see pic above) who are engaged to be married and hopelessly devoted to one another; to add to their current joy as they see the hand of God carefully and lovingly crafting their love affair into something so much greater than they imagined.  And I also dedicate these thoughts to my single friends to whom marriage sometimes just seems distant and hopeless.

I sometimes hear divorced folks talk about the mistake they made in marrying a person and I want to encourage you all whether you’re single, courting, engaged, married, separated, divorced or bereaved of your spouse, that it was God’s idea that you marry this person before it was ever your idea.  No matter how you feel about it now, God’s intention has never changed, even if you don’t quite get how it’s working out.  He has plans and hopes for you that go beyond what you can ever hope to see and my prayer is that in time God would open your eyes to see and mould your heart to carry what He shares with you. Wherever you are in your journey, keep your eyes on God. He will see you through.

 

 

 

 

Stay Fabulous

Love Belle.x

Pur-Dah: The practice among women of veiling. (Google Dictionary)

So What???

Recently, during a holiday in Marrakesh, I was inspired to write about this somewhat controversial topic. But my views on it are atypical, and I hope that through my experience, I can shed some light into the murky and misunderstood waters of why women in certain parts of the world journey into the decision to cover themselves as this is a journey which I have also travailed over many years. It speaks of my own journey to Purdah! It is important for you, in order to understand the origins of my thoughts, that you go back and read the blog that came before this one titled ‘Cover Me-In Front of You: Part I’.

Khimār, Shaylah, Khumūr, Jilbaab, Niqab, Burqa………….Purdah

“O Prophet, tell your wives and daughters and the believing women that they should cast their outer garments over their bodies (when abroad) so that they should be known and not molested” Surah 33: 59

“Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty…… And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and be modest, and to display of their adornment only that which is apparent, and to draw their veils over their bosoms, and not to reveal their adornment save to their own husbands or fathers or husbands’ fathers, or their sons or their husbands’ sons, or their brothers or their brothers’ sons or sisters’ sons, or their women, or their slaves, or male attendants who lack vigour, or children who know naught of women’s nakedness. And let them not stamp their feet so as to reveal what they hide of their adornment. And turn unto Allah together, O believers, in order that ye may succeed…..” Surah 24:30-31

The word in Arabic used in the place of draw is يُدۡنِينَ meaning literally to pull down. At the time this was written, women (except for slave women as a public humiliation) already covered their heads. Therefore the logical explanation drawn by many men and women alike was that a further pulling down from the scarf was required. This then became the basis for the Niqab and Burqa (face coverings worn by women in the Islamic world) in addition to additional clothes (Khimār, Shaylah, Khumūr and Jilbaab) intended to increase cover and maintain modesty.

She took a veil and concealed herself with it – Gen 24:65

Whilst I was on holiday, many educated men hailed me as the most beautiful woman they’d ever clapped their eyes on. 5’7”, brown eyes, smile like the summer dawn, skin fair like fresh butter, hair like black silk-I heard it all! I was told repeatedly that I was beautiful. However what I found the most intriguing was not the admiration, but rather that with every compliment, came an offer to cover me up with a scarf. They stressed this was only an offer, but explained why they were offering me this cover. The cover was meant in increasing measures for women considered increasingly attractive as a result of the beauty of their body, mind and heart. It served as a deterrent so others would not see, not lust and not be given a chance even to look in order to understand in their minds in a way that defiles after what they saw. I didn’t object but on the contrary, it made me very happy. This (pardon the lack of make-up and totally convincing look) was the finished product, me post-hijab!

Behind The Veil

I guess what comes next might surprise some people, but I felt entirely safe with my hijab on. I felt comfortable, free to express myself more, worry free of being an object of an uneducated man’s lustful desires, in full view but hidden, somehow even more attractive, covered up. In those moments I felt closer to God, under a covering that only made me appreciate the beauty of my soul even more. When night came and it was time to take it off, I was as reluctant to do that as I was to sleep without processing the thoughts on my first day wearing a covering. Through tired eyes I read about the veil in the bible. The veil Rebecca wore in order to withhold some of her modesty from her future husband, the veil Moses wore to hide the glory resulting from his encounter with God from the people, the veil that covered the arc of the covenant, the veil in front of which the priests brought their offerings and people their sacrifices to honour God, the veil that was said by the Psalmist that God Himself used to cover His eyes from people, the veil that ensured Solomon looked correctly into the eyes to discern the soul of his beloved, the veil his love representing God’s love for His bride burned through to see the splendour of the rest of her body, the veil in which God conceals His word, the veil no one can hide behind to escape from wrath, the veil used in the temple to separate altar from the sanctuary and then again to separate the altar from the holy of holies, the veil within which one had to approach only on invitation by God Himself, lest He die. I thought of everything that made me beautiful and then I had a thought, just before closing my eyes that perhaps external beauty as portrayed by the west is the biggest deception, an aphrodisiac leading to dreams that coerce you into a parallel world, a false reality! And then the penny dropped…… I cover up for God, because of people!

Because of You!

In our western world most men have the privilege of being educated, some more than others. The least educated of them (and by that I don’t just mean academic education), tend to do things that give into their animalistic nature, like howl and growl at women walking down the street. They are led by their sexual urges, the same urges that the educated men have, but suppress to keep the honour of the woman to whom those urges are directed in the understanding that her wholeness is more important than his most basic instinct. Rapists are uneducated men, unlearned in the ways to acquire a wife (even if temporarily) whilst preserving her dignity and esteem, not knowing, they take those things away and in the process end up with a prisoner. This happens in all parts of the world, but such behaviours are a perpetrated by a relative minority of men in the UK where we live.

Now if we consider the country I holidayed in, where the literacy rate is 51% for males; then you can consider a reason (but by far not the only one) why some women may have made the conscious choice over years to cover up in a way far above and beyond that recommended and practiced across centuries within conservative Arabian culture and lifestyle. Pretty or not, when I am dressed up for a night out in London and an uneducated man scowls or wolf-whistles at me, I immediately feel unattractive and then the pashmina no longer adorns the neck but rather comes down to assert the modesty of my body by serving as a shawl to cover my flesh.

When I was young, my lack of educational completion meant that I would have felt complimented by such behaviour but as have I matured  in knowledge of what my physical body has been built for, in understanding of how my body is not just a standalone object but is in fact connected to my mind, my spirit and my soul (all of which are far more important than the aging shell they dwell in), and as I have grown into the young woman I am today, I have become more secure in myself, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually also. So now such basic animalistic acts no longer do what they used to, but repel me from the perpetrators and reinforce the need for me to live a life covered more than the normal girl down the street. I figure that I haven’t become comfortable in myself for anyone to take it away from me. But I have the privilege of being surrounded mostly by educated men, both in all my circles and in general society and for this I am thankful because after being in Morocco for a week, where I got heckled by ½ the single men, I have resolved that if I ever live in a place where lack of education was so rife, I would cover up permanently too.

For God!

But people aside, if I am ever asked why I wore and why I think some women choose to wear the headscarf, I will give the only true answer to the question. Those who choose it for themselves, do it for God alone.

I do not think that a piece of ‘cloth’ is enough to simmer down a man’s attraction to a woman, and therefore I do not subscribe to the consequent view that the burden falls on a woman to ensure she covers up so that men do not lust after her (even though to an extent it does help-as in, not being almost naked in a bare excuse for clothes). A woman cannot be blamed for misconduct if she wears clothes considered normal by societal standard and the man cannot be portrayed as a helpless victim who is unable to restrain his inflamed desires. I also do not think that a covering protects a woman from being raped, sexually harassed or objectified. When it is presented ONLY this way, purely as a means of ‘protecting one’s sexuality’ and ‘ensuring order’ it reduces a woman to a piece of meat and thereby justifies the objectification. It is worth noting that any covering as worn by young Muslim women in progressive Arab countries, is never an obstacle or barrier stopping from them falling in love.

If we honestly reflect on the origin and purpose of any form of covering chosen by the women wearing it herself, we will find that it is a powerful symbol of sanctification. In the same way that a Christian girl invites all her non-Christian friends to watch her get baptised (or goes on a night out dressed a little more modestly than her friends which may not be noticed as the world we live in is quite liberal, presenting a VERY (and increasingly) fine line between classy and cheap), and a Catholic girl becomes a nun is the same way a Muslim girl chooses out of her own accord to don the veil. All from entirely different perspectives, all a stance made for God and made to associate oneself with strong belief in and deep relationship with God.

Neither Male nor Female!

I would like to point out here that same applies to men here. I decided to talk about this from a woman’s perspective because I am a woman. But there are a few things I need to acknowledge that ensures I close this piece in a wholesome manner:

1. The men who wanted to cover me were also in themselves covered, wearing an ankle length dress and having their heads and necks covered also and in the same way Muslim women choose to cover their bodies and their faces, so do men.

2. In my opinion, the female body is more misunderstood then the male body. It is hard for people to reconcile it as an element of God’s creation which has been created first and foremost for His pleasure.

3. I have specifically not addressed enforced covering because I believe people jump on that racially prejudiced bandwagon too quickly and so I do not want to be an active encourager of that. My parents ‘forced’ me to go to church for a while whilst I was a teenager and going through a faith doubting stage of life (until I made it through to a maturity underwriting my own decision to follow Christ), in the same way that some of my friends’ husbands have taken serious objection, aka ‘forced’ them for a while to curb how many nights out they have a week with their girlfriends, certain items of clothing they would wear and communication with men they had a negative relationship with prior to their marriages (until they matured into the understanding that he loves more easily when she chooses to yield to his headship even when she doesn’t always understand it). But that does not give any non-Christians the right to mock you in the process as ‘oppressed’ – or does it?

4. Abuse of the power that headship brings is wrong and unfortunately the answer in such cases when not superseded by domestic violence, perpetual adultery or death is spelled out clearly for us in the following verse….

“Be submissive to every human institution and authority for the sake of the Lord, whether it is to the emperor as supreme, Or to governors as sent by him to bring vengeance (punishment, justice) to those who do wrong and to encourage those who do good service. For it is God’s will and intention that by doing right, [your good and honest lives] should silence (muzzle, gag) the ignorant charges, and ill-informed criticisms of foolish persons. [Live] as free people, [yet] without employing your freedom as a pretext for wickedness; but [live at all times] as servants of God. Show respect for all men [treat them honourably]. Love the brotherhood (the Christian fraternity of which Christ is the Head). Reverence God. Honour the emperor…….. Be submissive to your masters with all [proper] respect, not only to those who are kind and considerate and reasonable, but also to those who are surly (overbearing, unjust, and crooked). For one is regarded favourably (is approved, acceptable, and thankworthy) if, as in the sight of God, he endures the pain of unjust suffering. [After all] what kind of glory [is there in it] if, when you do wrong and are punished for it, you take it patiently? But if you bear patiently with suffering [which results] when you do right and that is undeserved, it is acceptable and pleasing to God. For even to this were you called [it is inseparable from your vocation]. For Christ also suffered for you, leaving you [His personal] example, so that you should follow in His footsteps. He was guilty of no sin, neither was deceit (guile) ever found on His lips. When He was reviled and insulted, He did not revile or offer insult in return; [when] He was abused and suffered, He made no threats [of vengeance]; but he trusted [Himself and everything] to Him Who judges fairly. He personally bore our sins in His [own] body on the tree [as on an altar and offered Himself on it], that we might die (cease to exist) to sin and live to righteousness. By His wounds you have been healed” – 1 Peter 2:13-24 (Amp)

5. Women also have a right (if their lives portray integrity strong enough to hold the weight of their request), to make corresponding demands on men.

Don’t, by the way, read too much into the differences here between men and women. Neither man nor woman can go it alone or claim priority. Man was created first, as a beautiful shining reflection of God—that is true. But the head on a woman’s body clearly outshines in beauty the head of her “head,” her husband. The first woman came from man, true—but ever since then, every man comes from a woman! And since virtually everything comes from God anyway, let’s quit going through these “who’s first” routines. 1 Corinthians 11:10-15 (Msg)

6. My heart is to provoke you into thought! This post is not sexist in any way shape or form.

Stay Fabulous

 

 

 

One Love

Bella.x

In The Beginning……

During my childhood I grew up not ever having been introduced to dress as an expression of one’s state of mind and heart. I was a child in Nigeria where clothes were functional, intended to hide ones nakedness and most attempts by my elder sisters to express their teenage angst through style were met with immediate disdain and a certain order to change clothes, cover up and be modest. Other inhibiting rules applied, such as covering ones hair in church and never wearing trousers as a woman. Accessories, long hair, jewellery, long or painted nails, high heeled shoes…..you name it; they were all satanic expressions of the ‘world’ (as it was referred to back then-everything outside of acceptance by the church and misunderstood by hardcore Christians).

Coz I’m Just a Teenage Dirt-bag…..Maybe!

Evidently this took its’ toll on me. So when I arrived in the UK a pre-teen to see girls of my age converting their school uniforms into seduce-machine outfits, I was adequately shocked. The skirts just about covered the buttocks and couldn’t even be bent over in (as when this occurred white panties would often be in full view); the shirts were fitted and during sunny break times outdoors, tucked into the bottom of what probably was their first bra, exposing their midriffs in order to gain some colour. Said shirts also unbuttoned far down enough to reveal the bra and their emerging boobs, shirts begrudgingly pulled back down when it was time to go back to class. Not forgetting the girls wore no tights and at the end of perfectly toned legs, were heels that gradually became higher the older we got until at sixteen; stilettos were the only shoe of choice.

The hair was long and wavy, the eyebrows plucked, the lips plumped and the make-up and jewellery adorned their faces. Topping up on the lippy between lines of The History of communist China went hand in hand; and the conversation was nearly always about boys, sexual encounters and conquests, drunken nights out where drug taking was commonplace, boasting at how one avoided being caught by one’s parents and any other teenage gossip; notes were passed around by the ignorant few asking what the vulgar terms used by the slutty masses were in order not to seem as ignorant and inexperienced as one actually was. And this was my school, an excellent, high achieving school full of upper-middle class children who pretty much all went on to further and then higher education.

I never really knew how I fitted into this and my honest confession is that in a bid to find out, I did a stint in every clique. I was a chav (townie/ ned/ scaly) for a while, then a mosher (emo/ skater-chic/ Avril Lavigne wannabe) and then a trendy (none of the above/ Topshop)! I went to those parties, hung out in parks and in the street outside house parties drinking myself into an unspeakable state more times than I care to even think about and doing drugs albeit less frequently than I did the booze! I snuck out God knows how many times and tried to convince myself that my parents had no clue what I was doing-how stupid I was! I was the girl from Africa, one of the few ethnic students who allowed the local kids to tell me who I was, was not OK, unaccepted and mercilessly devoted to being accepted by the same people who are now in lower social classes than their parents were at their age! Safe to say-I don’t know much now, but back then I knew less than nothing. If wisdom was a currency, I was dead in the red, overdrawn more than I was when I left university almost £40,000 debt.

Voulez Vous Couchez Avec Moi Ce Soir?!?!?!

I ended up consumed with the mentality that when I hit the clubs with my girlfriends (which we started to do at fourteen), I had to look something like this!

Keys: Check

Card: Check

Scarf: Check

Lippy: Check

Jacket: Check

Phone: Check

Blusher: Check

Eyeliner: Check

Cigarettes: Check

Digital Camera: Check

And this was my list, all firmly stuffed into my oversized designer clutch-and it was off to town with a few bevvies (slang for ‘beverages’ of the alcoholic variety) down me I went, for what I knew would be a great night that would permit me to head straight to the top of the gossip list at school. Even if only for a week, it would bide me enough time to come up with some new antics. Every week was a popularity struggle and popularity was a drug. I was addicted and was prepared to do almost anything to get my fix!

So there I was, in the clubs up to four nights a week, with my 5” heels, flawless make-up, fake eyelashes, eye catching accessories wearing an outfit designed to shock and awe on every occasion, synch in the waist, accentuate all the wrong assets and draw maximum attention. Not to mention the expensive jewellery, perfume and smoky-eyes made up look perfected to make all men in the vicinity swoon towards me offering to buy me and all my friends a drink, having no clue exactly how underage I was. Little Bella was all grown up, a child in a woman’s body, a kid playing an adult’s game, a force to be reckoned with and a far cry from the same innocent and modest girl that had arrived in the UK from Nigeria a few years back. I had mastered the art of many persons. I was the homely Christian teen who attended church, the school girl trying to fit in, the naive girl working in the bakery and the wild child out on the lash BUT…………..I was the unhappiest teen I know, so something had to give!

I to the Izzy, B to the Bella!

To dare to live alone is the rarest courage; since there are many who had rather meet their bitterest enemy in the field, than their own hearts in their closet – Charles Caleb Colton

I came across this quote recently and to be honest, it sums up the state of my mind at that time where I was being pulled apart by all my personalities, by everything I was trying to be, for everyone. Never have I read a truer quote and whenever I read it, my heart skips a beat.

After many years of unsettledness and profound unhappiness, I decided that I had to change and so my journey began by ditching the horrible nickname of ‘Izzy’ I had earned in school. For years it had never been a cause for concern but all of a sudden being associated with two very unsavoury home-wrecking women from the two most popular soap operas on TV began to take its toll. It would be a long time before people stopped calling me that but I was intent on gathering all my parts from all the places I’d left them, to put them back together under a very large covering. This was me, beginning to understand the relationship between modesty and who God wanted me to be. And sure enough, my first pit stop was the bible. And this was what I found……

“[I desire] that women should adorn themselves modestly and appropriately and sensibly in seemly apparel, not with [elaborate] hair arrangement or gold or pearls or expensive clothing, But by doing good deeds (deeds in themselves good and for the good and advantage of those contacted by them), as befits women who profess reverential fear for and devotion to God” 1 Timothy 2:9-10

And any woman who [publicly] prays or prophesies (teaches, refutes, reproves, admonishes, or comforts) when she is bareheaded dishonours her head (her husband); it is the same as [if her head were] shaved. For if a woman will not wear [a head] covering, then she should cut off her hair too; but if it is disgraceful for a woman to have her head shorn or shaven, let her cover [her head]………Therefore she should [be subject to his authority and should] have a covering on her head [as a token, a symbol, of her submission to authority, that she may show reverence as do] the angels [and not displease them].Nevertheless, in [the plan of] the Lord and from His point of view woman is not apart from and independent of man, nor is man aloof from and independent of woman;For as woman was made from man, even so man is also born of woman; and all [whether male or female go forth] from God [as their Author] – 1 Corinthians 11:5-6, 10-12

Conundrum?

Knowing the controversy surrounding these verses and the chapters they are taken from, I decided to look very carefully at the context and found that Paul wrote the book of Timothy to encourage Timothy on his own ministry. Paul had planted the Ephesus church himself putting over three years of his blood and tears in to the effort (Acts 19:10; 20:31) and he describes his being pleased with Timothy’s work pastoring in the Ephesus Church. Paul writes him to tell him to stay there despite being sometimes discouraged (as I can imagine all young pastors feel at times) and continue his good work there. This is most likely a letter written in Paul’s late life and can be seen as being among his departing advice to his former student who has risen up in the ranks of church leadership himself. As Paul becomes more aware of his impending end, soon to be at the hands of Nero, he is setting things in order for the next generation. Paul’s letter to the Corinthian church echoes much of the same warnings and this is not surprising, the two cities were close together, separated only be a small section of the Mediterranean Sea. According to scholars, it is likely that it was written during Paul’s extended stay in Ephesus, where he refers to sending Timothy to them (Acts 19:22, I Cor. 4:17).

Now the church was located in Ephesus, near the mouth of the Cayster River only three miles from the coast. It became the capitol of Asia Minor, was connected by highways with the interior of Asia and all her chief cities, and became a great commercial centre. The emperor had made Ephesus a free city and it was given the political title “Supreme Metropolis of Asia.” The Roman governor of the region lived there, and it was the religious centre for the worship of the fertility goddess known by the Greeks as Artemis and by the Romans as Diana. Corinth was no different. They both had those temples located on the outskirts of the city, the one in Ephesus being known as one of the seven wonders of the ancient world which was renowned across the world as it was known then, as a centre of mystical cult worship.

“The temple was 425 feet long, 220 feet wide, and 60 feet high, with great folding doors and 127 marble pillars, some of them covered with gold. The worship of Diana was ‘religious immorality’ at its worst.” (Wiersbe’s Expository Outlines on the New Testament – Warren W. Wiersbe).

Diana’s temple, present in both cities and considered sacrosanct throughout the Roman world, became the primary banking institution in Asia Minor. The cities were controlled by the educated prostitutes affiliated with Diana worship and part of the cult of Diana was the use of ritual prostitution whereby the devotee became “joined” with the goddess through her priestesses, ensuring her favour throughout the year. This world was also known worldwide for the sacred prostitutes of the Temple of Diana. ALL young virgin girls were required to serve for a certain period of time in the temples as prostitutes before they could be permitted to marry. They included all girls belonging to the families of those who were followers of Jesus. The ancients considered sexual intercourse to be a re-enactment of the fertility cycle in nature, and that such re-enactments pleased the gods. They hoped that by offering up the bodies of all girls in the region, they would be blessed with abundant crops and herds in the coming year. For most of the population, their carnal human nature had no arguments against such “logic,” especially as it satisfied their deepest of lusts.

These were to whom Paul was writing, a world not unlike the one we live in now, morally bankrupt, inundated with perversion, drowning in depravity. I came to the conclusion in knowledge and understanding of the text, pretext and context-that this still very much applied to me!

Take-Off

So first I asked myself who I was. I didn’t know the answer to this so I moved on to my next question which was who I wanted to be. I didn’t have to look far as my heart was then as it is now; full of hope for the future and so this was much easier! On the eve of my 21^st birthday I made a list, of everything I wanted to be and then came the shocking realities that surrounded me. Where I was screamed anarchy at everything my heart deeply desired. I was in a relationship with someone taking me further and further away from all the influences of culture that God has precisely placed me in from the moment of my conception, I was living with a friend who I knew would not go with me where I desired in my heart to go with God and I was in a church that was taking me away from God. Somehow I was becoming this horrible, ugly half baked excuse for a woman, twenty-one years old and dying, far from what my heart wanted and even farther from what my soul needed.

Freedom and reconciliation took time-but started something like this:

“Jesus, I believe that you are in my heart and that my heart wants what your heart wants. Please forgive me for the wrong I can’t seem to stop doing, please teach me to do right and please free me from every place, everything, and everyone that will keep my heart from moving forward towards your heart because my heart wants what your heart wants-Amen.”

FFwd…..

Three years later via a bumpy ride in which God answered that very simple prayer with a vigour that would shake me free from all my oppressions, I had been detangled from all my complicated relational and geographical situations. In the midst of these years, I had my mouth seriously dealt with and learned my most valuable personal lessons……

That covering up had to start from my mind, through my tongue-it simply had to be still and stop wagging. I also had to learn (somewhat the hard way) that a woman’s beauty is in her gracefulness, that I did not need to fight everyone about everything. I learned that I had to stop being seen everywhere, stop being at the top of every party list, stop answering to people too self absorbed to have my best interests at heart, stop putting everything I was on show, stop the public appearances and ultimately, stop undressing my heart and my body.

It took me a while, but in the end I discovered that my absolute glory was in my tongue being bridled into edifying as its sole priority, in my heart’s modesty, in my mind being subject to a Saviour and in my body being kept pure and holy by covering. This is what inspired me to write this post to challenge popular opinion on the covering as applied by Muslim women all over the world…….

Keep your eyes peeled for the second half to ‘Cover Me-In Front of You’!

Stay Fabulous

One Love

Bella.x

I was determined not to end up blogging about this but the vast amount of mono-reasoned, jab in the dark, blame-seeking comments I’ve witnessed concerning it has convinced me to offer up an intelligent counter-reasoning to a vast sea of other comments and also an answer to some of the underlying angst’s for some of the comments that I have heard.

So we have rioting…..but how did we end up here? 

‘But those who crave to be rich fall into temptation and a snare and into many foolish (useless, godless) and hurtful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction and miserable perishing. For the love of money is a root of all evils; it is through this craving that some have been led astray and have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves through with many acute [mental] pangs.’ 1 Timothy 6:9-10 (Amp)

POVERTY is the one word (in my opinion), that I think brings together every reason that people are giving as the catalyst for the riots being experienced right now up and down the UK. But I don’t mean poverty only in the financial sense. I believe that financial poverty can either be inflicted by the removal of privileges, or can be the manifestation of poverty that begins in the mind, which is secondary to poverty of the heart and spirit. Having said that, it is one thing when you’re poor in spirit to begin with, but it is another thing entirely when you are not poor (even if you’re not considered wealthy by society’s standards), but poverty is forced upon you as a result of circumstances beyond your control. This is why the poorest people in the UK who have been poor for generations and have no expectation of ever coming out of that poverty have not been seen rioting. They are like fish that have lived in caves with no light for generations and have consequently become blind. They are mentally poor, no longer able to see a way out, and so cannot get angry as they see no alternatives for life. They are financially poor; work menial, low paid jobs and survive from hand to mouth throughout their lives as their families have for generations. They are poor in spirit, do not put emphasis on gaining knowledge nor continue with education, they are numb to life and stuck in life, and although perhaps not happy, they are somehow content with their lot.

The Problem!

I am a foreign national and so therefore do not vote in the country, so I do not stand here with a political agenda. And I know it is very easy to sit and criticise the current government for tough decisions that they have had to make in their vision to rid the UK of billions of pounds worth of debt, accumulated by the previous government whose views on welfare reduced the majority of Great Britain to a state money-dependent, hand-out expectant nation so I am not here to wave an ‘I can do better even though I don’t have a clue about politics’ attitude about like a child with a chainsaw. But having seen the savage cuts made, the particular areas they were made in (affecting young people and middle/ lower/ under class families the most) and their results (sending people who are not poor into poverty they do not want nor are they conditioned for in their hearts and minds), I think it is safe to say there is some truth in what the majority of the public are saying. I think the public’s concerns about the cuts to child benefit and increased taxes that result in decreased income SPECIFICALLY for middle-class families where the parents are married needs to be heard, I think the public’s outcry on the rise of tuition fees that have made education only accessible to the upper-middle class families with very few children age-spaced out enough for two not to be at university at the same time and upper class/ aristocratic/ royal families need to be taken into some very serious consideration and I think that the lack of action in helping people move into careers they have invested thousands of pounds to, must be acted on. In my opinion these are the people whose children and who themselves have become disillusioned and disengaged enough to go out and criminalize.

And I know what some people will say to this, which is what I say myself…. “I am disillusioned with the government’s policies but I don’t go out and criminalise!” And yes while I wholeheartedly agree with the fact that going out there is a choice that not everyone makes and rightly so, I would remind people that although the condemnation of their actions is permissible, we should try not to judge those who do because in my opinion, people have different frustration thresholds and possibly are being affected much more than we realize. We must not forget that debt is the number one cause of suicides in the UK and financial problems have for years been at the top of the list as to why marriages fail. The lack of money in a country consumed by capitalism and materialism leads to immense misery that can drive anyone (including you reading this) to actions you would condemn. And we must remember that emotions are like water behind a damn, the pressure is great, must be sturdily harnessed and its release must be controlled in order for it to be beneficial and not cause destruction and devastation.

And on the topic of emotion….. I’m sure we’ve all lost our temper at someone at some stage of our lives and broken/ smashed something in the process. This is more common with men rather than with women but it is nonetheless an expression of frustration, even if not justified as valid by some.

What is going on also has nothing to do with race; it is a cause and effect thing. When the tuition fee riots were taking place, it was mostly Caucasian kids who went out on the streets because they form the majority of university students from middle-class homes where there are often an average of three children age-spaced close enough to make education inaccessible for them at fees in excess of £9000. And now it’s mostly African and Caribbean kids because they form the majority of the kids that had their EMA cut off and that can’t even dream of University anymore as their parents struggle to find £1000 to take the whole family on a sunny holiday every years let alone find the money for University. Needless to say it is a fair statement that having parents who cannot provide financially what the EMA used to cover, leads to those kids working, most of whom cannot juggle both their studies and hours often more than they’d like to do but have no choice as most workplaces present either a large amount of fixed hours or no job. What this does to someone’s University admission chances through a crucial time can only be sadly imagined as research has proven that full time study begins to be affected when more than 16hrs of employment per week is undertaken whilst studying. And so on goes the domino effect!

In addition to the financial factors, I am sure that most Black young people in London know someone who has been a victim of irrational racial profiling from which unfair actions such as aggressive stops, searches, arrests, beats and even death have been inflicted by a police force that by its own admission is ‘institutionally racist’. And as much as I appreciate the police saying that they search other race based victims also, in my sixteen years in the UK as a mixed raced person, half Black and half Caucasian with no bias towards any side, I have never heard of a Caucasian complaint regarding stop and search for no apparent reason yet this seems to be overly prevalent in the Black community.

Whatever the intricacies, whatever the ethnicity, they are rioting because they have come to the conclusion that they will not get listened to any other way. Proof for this was offered up by the Caucasian girls from Croydon bragging live on BBC news that they were involved and were planning further involvement in the riots and looting only to show the rich people, the police and the government that they can have stuff too, even if it meant stealing them. I DO NOT CONDONE AT ALL what these kids are doing but their wrong actions must still be looked at in the perspective of the trigger that pushed them to it.

The Consequences!

I know so many people who not only did a degree, but then a postgraduate course at red brick universities and universities famed for that course-only to end up working at retail stores and restaurants because they couldn’t get a job in their chosen field of work. I left Scotland fed up, after over 1000 job applications. I had a BSc Hons and an MSc, was accredited as a Junior Member with the APM UK and RICS and yet even McDonalds turned me down. I could have done all sorts to get by and to an extent I did (legally handing out flyers for club nights and working P/T at this dingy little cafe). I was even offered an escort job back in England by one of my CHRISTIAN friends who became so disillusioned about not being able to get a job with her Law degree that she became an escort, living a double life that her church friends to this day do not know about. Getting a 2:1 apparently wasn’t enough for all 50+ firms that she applied to and no one would give her a paralegal job or anything ‘lesser’ because they were convinced that she wanted to climb up and no matter how you got there, you couldn’t be at the top with anything less than a 1^st. Another girl I knew was so desperate, she ended up in £55,000+ worth of debt and had to declare herself insolvent at 21 and now can’t even get a mobile phone contract. Needless to say I wasn’t ever prepared to sell my body or get high APR% credit cards I didn’t know how I was going to pay, not for a flat, not for clothes, not even to put food in my belly. And so back to my parent’s home I went-something I was slightly ashamed of but has now re-become the norm when young adults are through with university. In my research for writing this piece, I learned that it takes on average now over two years after a postgraduate degree to get a job in your chosen profession. So in that time, where will you sleep? And what will you wear? How will you keep warm? And what will you eat?

Before I start I just have to add a little disclaimer to this. It is a long blog and I have refused to cut it down for people’s reading pleasure because if someone had written this for me this for me four months ago then I wouldn’t have had to find out myself and it taken me every last bit of energy I have. I know it’ll bless someone and if it’s for one person that I’ve written it then it’s good enough for me. Happy reading, I hope it provokes you into thought!

The First Bit!

A friend of mine posted a quote on Twitter a few days ago saying that ‘all it takes for evil to propagate is for good people to do nothing’. When he did, I remembered something my church pastor once said to the same effect, talking about relationships and marriages in particular. He made reference to a garden and said that anything in life if left to its own device would disintegrate into chaos. He spoke about the need to constantly tend to matters so your life doesn’t become like an over-grown garden. When he said that, my imagination quickly filled my mind’s eye with a visual reality of these spoken words. Little did I know that said garden was soon going to be what I saw when I opened my life’s door!

Breaking-Up

I recently parted ways with my boyfriend, someone that to this day I think the world of and have an undiluted amount of respect for. Our journey was one of a couple of years in which I found out that it really is possible to love someone more and experience emotional intimacy on levels I previously couldn’t even fathom. I’m sure those of you who have at some point suffered this crash can understand how your life spins out of control and like a whirlwind goes from giggles and kisses in Hyde Park on a sunny spring weekend evening, to dark, lonely, rainy mornings the following week where you can’t quite figure out if it’ll be the rain or your tears that’ll stop first. The darkness, the loneliness and pain everywhere you look, the shadows at night, the emptiness in the morning, the feelings of hopelessness…… And so I went through all the motions, cried and cried and cried some more. And although it was a very “good” break-up (as far as these things go), I felt like grief had punched bullet holes all through me like a shotgun. My wounds were everywhere, like pellets-some of which still remain. I’ve been told with time I’ll be able to get most of them out and heal, but even I know that some are just too deep and their recovery would cost me too much and wound me even further. So I’ve left those ones because I’ve come to understand that life’s battles do scar and as much as you can deal with most of it, sometimes you just have to let your body absorb the small war wounds that don’t threaten your major parts and be happy the experience didn’t kill you.

Another note on how I got to this point in my life-some things take time to sort out and it is not always wise to remain in a relationship when those things can be seen to better when you’re alone. I guess it’s like trying to run with a broken leg. The leg needs fixing first as your sole priority and then you never know what comes after, so right now in my life-I’m fixing leg and no longer thinking about racing 😀

Having said that, in the middle of my going-trough I have received and I’m still receiving many pieces of ‘advice’ (for when I eventually do pick back up my running shoes from the hang-up) from people I genuinely approached for it all the way to people who are fond of making the whole world think that they’ve got it altogether and are therefore qualified as the Guru of the universe. Also in the course of my research to write this piece, I have come across some horrific stories about break-ups which have made me eternally grateful that the man I had chosen to be in relationship with is a man led by the Spirit of God who has kept me under God’s wing as best he can throughout this entire process! But I’m not here to talk about them, or him. My main aim is to talk about my journey of recovery because as one so wisely observed, it’s not the cards you’re dealt in life but indeed how you play them that matters. But before I go there……

Lessons Learned

I want to share some profound things I’ve learned in listening to some of my girlfriends’ stories over tea and cake on my sofa because I see them as paramount to helping me and other young women deal effectively and pragmatically yet spiritually with a break up, make-up with our inner woman, be empowered on our journey, and yet keep our creation-intended gentleness.

I’ve learned that by and large Christians rarely tell the whole truth about their break-ups because there is a culture of shame and a destructive tradition on dealing with them based on cultural misunderstandings and conflicting methods in most ‘charismatic’ churches. So a girl has to be heartbroken in the quiet. I know one girl who was offered so much ‘advice’ she gradually became more and more paranoid to the point where all the people she once called friends become nothing but people who could gossip about her and somehow her friendships begin to suffer even though she was sure they were strong enough to cope (until she found out years later that her friends were told something along the lines that she “needed space” and thereby swiftly removed from her when she needed them the most). I know of more than one girl being told not to tell ANYONE apart from said leader who although they never physically and consistently demonstrated Godly and selfless love for her over a prolonged period of time to win her trust have all of a sudden stepped in to become her source for everything (with a side salad of spiritual manipulation). They must know everything, she must tell all and only to them, anything outside their created boundaries amounts to disobedience and will not go unpunished and if she were to ‘step outside’ their boundaries this could result in her being stepped down from any ministry that she’s involved in, having done nothing wrong. And just like that the thing that holds her in church-dangled in front of her face like a carrot that could be removed at any time should someone not feel like she’s adhering to rules she’s often not even aware of herself.

Not forgetting to mention that whilst everybody is trying to ‘fix’ her, no one is actually making any real effort to ask her how she really is, how she really feels and how she wants to go forward. No one is calling her late at night when her pillow is soaked with tears and her prayers feel like they’re hitting the ceiling and falling back into her mouth, or in the mornings where the whole world seems bleak and although she knows she can’t see anything straight and knows that she’ll get over it at some stage, all she’d like right now is for someone to just listen. No one is asking her what she has just read in the bible, what she thinks God is saying. No one is telling her “I understand” and no one is sharing their past experience with her because then that would make them vulnerable and therefore bring them down from their pedal stool and down to her level (I’ve never quite figured out why that’s a bad thing because Jesus did it). No one will help jump start her again. So they sit high and mighty up there and she sits down and lowly down there, lonely, depressed and alone-yet surrounded by ‘mature Christians’. And yes-this does happen! Mostly because break-ups were a taboo with the older generation, the resultant shame resulting in their haphazard dealing of it until they found their way to the big ‘M’ in which they now dwell happily. And most times they were not really helped so they don’t actually know what exactly to do that would benefit a brokenhearted girl in the maximum way. So those who involve traditional elders don’t talk about it because they’re told not to based on out-dated stigmas, and those who don’t do this don’t talk about it because they don’t want to be told not to ‘talk about it’ nor do they want to feel shame and guilt and hey presto-nobody talks about it at all. So results this culture where break-ups are an untold mystery that people are suffering and hearts are dying from, totally unnecessarily and yet…….nothing

I’ve learned that Church leaders facilitating (and I use that word kindly) break-ups by telling people they don’t think they’re “meant for each other because God said” is more prevalent than people realize! This one really irks me! I’ve heard it many times and have been a victim of this myself. And leaders do this for reasons that do bring challenges in relationships but not legitimate reasons for why relationships should not be entered into or should be terminated. I believe this is also something that has been propagated for a very long time in the church and because perhaps it was said to someone who then went and married someone else even though the first one would have been perfectly fine yet all was covered by God’s Grace, once they see what looks like a familiar situation instead of assessing and discerning it for what it truly is (even if it is not destined for marriage and is just a seasonal teaching situation) and instead of just allowing people to journey alone with some guidance-everything about a relationship begins to be micro-managed. This can only lead to certain disaster! Some of the reasons I’ve been made aware of include cultural differences, racial differences, age differences, previous children out of wedlock, struggles with sexual sins, struggling faith, differing denominations, previous relationship with close friend or family member etc. But the way I see it, as long as both parties are Christians and are in a good place, the relationship is desired because they both feel like they’d like to make serious walking life together under God towards the landmark of marriage one day and then onward, and if both parties have made themselves accountable to those mature, happily married, down to earth, real, honest people who have ALWAYS been there and are willing to share their own experiences for the benefit of the couple, and there is peace and agreement in the camp then who is stoning based on what happened in the past? Because it certainly isn’t me! I would be interested in asking the same people who propagate this if they would terminate a pregnancy because a child was discovered to have a life-threatening disease, because to me the principle is exactly the same! Just because a child will have Cystic Fibrosis and will most likely die before the age of thirty is no reason why that child can’t be allowed to live.

I have a friend who married a man more than twice her age (that I look at how strong their love is and pray for the same Grace because I have never experienced that kind of love), another who married a man over ten years younger, others who have successfully built relationship even though one has a child from before, people from differing denominations still going strong after over four years, people who have married even though one was very ill and later did die and well…..I still remember Grace and one thing I’ve learned about Grace is this-it is the facilitator that can enable things thought impossible, possible and bring things thought dead back to life. And as long as I live I will never forget what God has covered me from, the consequences of some sins He has spared me from and so I believe in and practice Grace. Grace over all things, grace over all people, grace over me!

I’ve learned that Love is God. Growing up, I had heard the phrase ‘God is Love’ thrown around like air, but to me it is only one side of the coin and the other side looks so similar, it is often taken for granted; because if God is Love, then Love is also God. This for me is the most accurate charting of accountability when it comes to anything in life; I just wish I’d discovered this sooner. I have suffered at the hands of leaders who have spiritually abused me. I’ve been locked in a room with a male leader and no one else while he refuted me from speaking, throwing accusations at me, calling it ‘tough love’. I’ve been called names, emotionally trodden on, accused. You name it-I’ve heard it, all from the same young pastor in a young church who had been in ministry his whole life and had completely lost touch of God whilst doing ‘God’s work’. I had the same leader pull me into them as opposed to pointing me to the heart and mind of Christ for my life-only to destroy me when they felt I needed a lesson in humility, because I didn’t realize what they were doing in the name of leadership was wrong. I’ve known girls who have been ostracised from churches because of hearsay and because of people’s reactions to their sins borne from a place of genuine struggle that they want to get out of, but for which no Grace led practical help is being offered. I’ve heard and know of so many cases where almost anything has been done and it’s been called love. So if God is Love, is this kind of love, God? Does God do this to His kids? Is this how God loves people? Is this how God loves me? We have to be very careful what we do in the name of Love, because if God is Love, then we do it in the name of God and He will in this life and in the here-after, bring us to account for what we did ‘in His name’. It is the responsibility of everyone who really knows God to make sure every relationship in their life experiences real Love. And just in case you’re wondering what Love is. This is how it is described (well in my opinion) in the bible:

“Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].”  Corinthians 13:4-8

So the question to ask if you’re the one looking for love in any capacity or if you’re the one trying to show love is this: Am I showing/ experiencing what it says here? If the person who says they ‘love’ you are not showing you the kind of Love described above, but rather the opposite-cut them off immediately, irrespective of their position! If they are, appreciate them and pray that God would bless them even more. Few people know God to Love like He does, we are even told this:

“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is (springs) from God; and he who loves [his fellowmen] is begotten (born) of God and is coming [progressively] to know and understand God [to perceive and recognize and get a better and clearer knowledge of Him]. He who does not love has not become acquainted with God [does not and never did know Him], for God is love.” I John:7-8

I’ve learned that an artist never creates two strokes the same with the same brush and I believe in the same way that God has made us all as individuals, we should endeavour to accept each other as such, without the need for us to always have full understanding of one another. This is crucial because in the interactions of leaders with young women it is so important that time is taken to understand her as much as humanly possible before prescription of anything, especially modern behaviours encouraged yet not set in stone in the bible.

The important thing is that people are pointing each other to God and the bible via their own experience. My stance on this type of pastoring and shepherding was really brought home to me in the most awesome, but very ordinary way. I was flying home business class from Vienna following a work tour in Europe, laid back on my reclining seat, looking down through the window as cities unfolded below me, through cloudless skies all the way back to London and that’s when I felt God speak to me regarding this. I was on my way somewhere, but I saw things that put where I was and where I was heading into context. The pilot was flying, the co-pilot was observing, trusting, communicating. And then it hit home, God is that pilot, we are that co-pilot and we must understand that any passengers are not being captained by us, but that in partnership with God as the unquestionably trustworthy lead, we can take them to their next destination, as smoothly as possible, allowing them to see things that help them understand that they are actually going in the right direction. But then that means that we must have gone that way before to know the route itself so we can know how to take people through it.

I’ve learned that the most important thing after a break-up is not dealing with it, but in fact un-breaking your heart once the initial pain has subsided. Then more emphasis should be placed in making sure that in the process the essence of what you are becoming doesn’t come and then go, that your garden doesn’t become overgrown whilst you’re busy hiding inside, that you don’t become so engulfed by weeds, that it takes even longer and a lot more help to get you back. You don’t want to misunderstand God, love him less, distance yourself from people who loved you before your mess and still do, fellowship at church less, leave church, become sexually or emotionally promiscuous due to your deep need for intimacy that has been snatched away from you at short notice, shut down and pretend everything is OK all the time yet carry untold anger in your heart that comes across as Guru syndrome (wanting to rescue people from the pain you feel without admitting that you are raw in your pain still after so long) and you don’t want to become of those who play the zombie (do everything the church leaders say and eventually lose your minds and become puppets held up as examples of obedience).

The most important thing that I have learned after having seen all these examples, is that it is my choice to and therefore consequently I have resolved and I’m resolving to be the sum of them all and yet none of them! I want to obey, yet to be my own. I want to grow in character, but only my own God purposed character. I want to be quiet, still my own person. I want to remember, but still let it go. I want to attend, but not be attended to like a child. I want to be a member, not dismembered. I want to be emotionally willing to share, but not needy. I want to be comprehensively helped, so that I can then truly help. I want to be whole, so that I can bring wholeness. I want to be honest, so that people will be free to be honest with me. I want to break-up and survive it, make-up with who I am. I don’t want to look out and see that over-growth, I want to keep tending and encourage others to do the same because above all I now know-no one can un-break your heart but you and God!

Making-Up

So on putting yourself back together (which I am still in the middle of and thereby no means an expert at), here are my thoughts…..

• HAVE FUN! This is the first part following a break-up and it is needed to kick start the process. It is easy and no young woman in her right mind needs to be reminded that manicures, pedicures, fish eating foot massages, every possible massage, new hair, heading to the flicks with the girls and stuffing your face with popcorn and ice-cream, days out to random places you’ve always wanted to go, sleepovers, a trip to the salon for that long awaited wax, getting the eyebrows seen to, a marathon shopping trip, new stuff for the wardrobe and a night out with the girls is just what the doctor ordered. You’ll have plenty of time to tackle things from a spiritual, mental and emotional angle-but for now just chill and be physical! Go on that overdue holiday, splash out on that thing you’ve always wanted, do those things you’ve always procrastinated about, wild out but stay safe! Invest in you and stay beautiful because being fabulous doesn’t just happen, it is a decision from which thoughts and then deeds are birthed.

• Change Is Coming! It is important that once something as significant as a close relationship is removed from your life and heart abruptly, something else goes in to fill that place so a vacuum isn’t left to suck into it whatever it can first grab it’s hands on which is more often than not, something that’ll temporarily soothe the pain but leave you even more broken in the long run. This brings us back to the lesson of the garden. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. So think of every edifying thing you’ve ever wanted to do, and set about doing it, don’t just leave it to fate. Since breaking up, I have sat a professional exam and passed 😀 I am about to begin another CPD course, I have read several books on leadership and Project Management and I am planning to go through a course at church that will help me get to grips more with the bible. I’m excited about this because it’s designed hard and includes coursework and an exam so my mind is constantly distracted from coming up with its own self-destructing thoughts on which it can act and my space is instead filled with things that are building a better me every day.

• Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall: If Humpty had chosen firm ground; he wouldn’t have fallen or been broken to the point that all of the queen’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put him back together again. So my third piece of helping advice based on my own experience is this-find good ground and put your stakes it in. Know what you stand for, what your principles are and know them well. Make sure they are based on the bible and not just on your past hurts. Once you understand why you believe what you believe and are who you are then you’ll never conform to wall-sitting and therefore when you fall, as long as you remain close to your core then you won’t fall very far and it’ll certainly be a tough job for anyone trying to push you over!

• Monkey see, monkey do: NEVER take advice from anyone who will not share with you about their own life and certainly don’t talk to them about yours in any detail if they don’t reciprocate! There are many old-school church leaders/ people out there who live to extract information out of you but then if they don’t put back wisdom that they’ve learned in their own lives (that you couldn’t go to the bible/ teachings to get yourself) then all they leave is a giant vacuum and you feel empty when you leave their presence. People like that are toxic and should be avoided like the Plague. If someone cannot trust you enough with details of their lives then that means that they are taking what you have just poured out to them for granted and don’t see it to be of any worth. Think of it as this. You wouldn’t go to a designer store and they give you a handbag for free, especially not one loaded with diamonds and this is true of you and the contents of your heart. Nothing comes for free, especially not you! So let people produce some tender in return for your precious-remember that plane ride. Someone has to take you through where they’ve been before. They have to know it well, but when they take you through it, it must be at a cost to them and you must be shielded, on higher ground looking in to learn on the way to your personal destination.

• Run! Get as physically far away from your old partner as possible. For a prolonged period of time it is not realistically possible to be friends once the relationship has come to an end. The less you see them, the better, the less communication you have, even better. If you can pretend they’re dead for a year-you’re on a winning streak. It sounds harsh but it is true. I’ve been one of those girls who was convinced that I could be the one who would be different, that I could remain friends and I did try but then no-gradually I came to see that I was much happier when I didn’t have to think of him at all, because I could not separate the pain from him. I needed time to cool down and free myself from the bond formed over years, time to heal from the broken soul tie, time to move on and believe in God that somehow I have it in me to start all over again with someone else at some point, trusting and hoping that my heart would not be broken again.

• When words are many: There is an excerpt of a verse in the bible that says:

“In a multitude of words transgression is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is prudent.” Proverbs 10:19

There is also a quote that I love that also tells the story of this verse and it goes something like: Praise the bridge that carried you over – George Colman. I think that sums it up fairly well. Wisdom in what comes out of your mouth at a time like this cannot be over-emphasised. If you have nothing exalting to say, then say nothing. Elevate goodness at all times, because it builds character and character is a beautiful thing-it is like an oak tree, slow but steady in growth, majestic in splendor, strong through all storms and will stand firm through every season. It is something every person should aim for, one as close to God’s heart as possible and will grow you into that woman you’re forever reading about in the bible and wondering how to become!

“The [uncompromisingly] righteous shall flourish like the palm tree [be long-lived, stately, upright, useful, and fruitful]; they shall grow like a cedar in Lebanon [majestic, stable, durable, and incorruptible].” Psalm 92:12

• Seek FIRST! No one can un-break your heart but God. Not your family, not your girlfriends, not your colleagues, not your party buddies. If you will ever stop being in denial then this time is the time to do so.

“Stop being perpetually uneasy (anxious and worried) about your life….. Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father keeps feeding them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by worrying and being anxious can add one unit of measure (cubit) to his stature or to the span of his life?And why should you be anxious…..? Consider the lilies of the field and learn thoroughly how they grow; they neither toil nor spin…..If God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and green and tomorrow is tossed into the furnace, will He not much more surely clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not worry and be anxious……But seek (aim at and strive after) first of His entire kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides.” Matthew 6:25-33

Go to God because with Him there is no pretending. Ask Him first, talk to Him first, cry at Him first, communicate with Him first and listen to Him first. You’ll be surprised how much you hear Him when you’re in a parched land. Makes it all easier because then you become Humpty with stakes firmly planted in the ground and anything that comes from anywhere else is much easier filtered according to its alignment with what God said to you first. Like this you’re not running to and fro confused at conflicting ‘advice’, tossed by the winds like a small fishing boat in a violent storm.

• She that is planted…..

“BLESSED (HAPPY, fortunate, prosperous, and enviable) is the man who walks and lives not in the counsel of the ungodly [following their advice, their plans and purposes], nor stands [submissive and inactive] in the path where sinners walk, nor sits down [to relax and rest] where the scornful [and the mockers] gather. But his delight and desire are in the law of the Lord, and on His law (the precepts, the instructions, the teachings of God) he habitually meditates (ponders and studies) by day and by night. And he shall be like a tree firmly planted [and tended] by the streams of water, ready to bring forth its fruit in its season; its leaf also shall not fade or wither; and everything he does shall prosper [and come to maturity].” Psalm 1:1-3

“For You, O Lord, have made me glad by your works; at the deeds of your hands I joyfully sing. How great are your doings, O Lord! Your thoughts are very deep….my horn (emblem of excessive strength and stately grace) you have exalted like that of a wild ox; I am anointed with fresh oil…..Planted in the house of the Lord, they shall flourish in the courts of our God. [Growing in grace] they shall still bring forth fruit in old age; they shall be full of sap [of spiritual vitality] and [rich in the] verdure [of trust, love, and contentment]. [They are living memorials] to show that the Lord is upright and faithful to His promises; He is my Rock, and there is no unrighteousness in Him.” Psalm 92:4-5, 10, 13-15

The importance of a good church can never be overstated. And by good I mean a church where people are more concerned with the heart and mind of Christ outworked in people’s lives through Grace to increased Faith and not traditions, cultural status quos or the ‘this is the way it’s always been done’, life stifling, faith paralysing attitudes.

I LOVE my church and my only regret is that it took me 24 years to arrive here because all the other parts of the body that I experienced left me questioning how such a sick girl could ever make her wedding day! And then I realised that there are some parts of the body that are so well and strong, they compensate for whilst stimulating faster development and healing in other struggling parts. I live in a super-strong part of the body, it is where I call home and I’m grateful that I am flourishing in a house where there has been just the right balance of being cared for and being left alone, the discernment to facilitate for me to go deeper in worship and higher in praise in understanding that only God can break certain yokes. I am full of worship to God that there is an abundance of Grace in our house and for being able to say that I know as I’m living it now that God’s hand has and continues to guide me and hold me fast even as I have walked through the valley where the shadows have at most times, completely overwhelmed me. It is only by Grace that you begin to enjoy a process that is otherwise designed to bring pain. It is only in the overflow of Mercy that you begin to focus on what is happening in you and through you as opposed to just to you. Because after all….

….amid all these things we are more than conquerors and gain a surpassing victory through Him who loved us.” Romans 8:37

I am a conqueror in everything through Christ Jesus 😀

The Last Bit

In closing, I’d just like to say to every girl who is going through this. Be strong, have courage-you are not alone. There are many of us; each in our boat being tossed about in the storm yet God is ever present, ever hearing, ever speaking and ever ready. He is calling each one of us out onto the water and the best thing you can do is let Him take you into His Love because there is no fear there. What it looks like, I’m not really sure. But right now in my life it is a faith that is strong, a persistence that weathers every day till the end, a Mercy that allows me to take my time and a Grace that continues to teach me when I don’t know. It is words of affirmation from my Father, words of encouragement from people around, a choice to worship that takes me deeper than ever, a choice to praise the morning in through the darkness and an active decision to discipline my mind into understanding without a doubt that even though weeping comes, it only endures for a night!

Bless you all in your journey!

Stay Fabulous!

One Love

Bella.x