The Emancipation of Bella!

“Said I remember when we used to sit

In the government yard in Trenchtown

Oba, ob-serving the hypocrites

As they would mingle with the good people we meet

Good friends we’ve had, oh good friends we’ve lost along the way

In this bright future you can’t forget your past

So dry your tears I say”

Bob Marley – ‘No Woman, No Cry’

Good Friends I‘ve Had Lost Have

We value friends, and our friendships are essential to our sense of who we are and central to our all-important sense of validation, but the journey of friendship (the journey of love and of the heart) rarely runs smooth because since no two people ever have exactly the same experience and interpret it the same way, no two people will ever see anything in exactly the same way, or eye to eye. Sometimes, like the title of the song above, it seems like the best way of avoiding tears is to avoid people. But it is possible against the pain of separation, to find a wholesome and healthy balance that gives happiness, freedom and life! I have recently emerged from several years of learning this, and this is my reason for writing this blog piece in the hope that what I have learned might be wisdom to you.

So how are we to choose our friends?

And how should we as friends treat one another?

What does the Bible say about Friendship?

Lean On Me

 “The next best thing to being wise oneself is to live in a circle of those who are.”

CS Lewis

 Friends fall into one of six categories:

1. Parent/ Parental figure – FAMILIAL FRIEND
2. Sibling/ Cousin – FAMILIAL FRIEND
3. Acquaintance – PERIPHERY FRIEND
4. Mentor – MENTOR FRIEND
5. Close Friend – TRUE FRIEND
6. Best Friend – TRUE FRIEND

Of the list above, the first two (family members) are thrust upon you. Whether you choose to be their friend or not is entirely up to you (although it is highly recommended as it opens up a depth of friendship that makes the familial relationship much sweeter to all involved).

The rest (the highlighted ones) in that list are the only ones you choose for yourself. How you choose them is vital to who you become! Here are some things to consider about each type of non-familial friendships.

Life is OK 🙂

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.”

CS Lewis

Acquaintances are like a calendar. They remind you that despite the past, there is always tomorrow. Many a time they are just ‘nice’ and there is not really much else that can be said about them simply because we don’t know them, or want to know them intimately. We all know and have this type of friend and we love them, but can’t hang out with them for too long simply because as much fun as we have when we’re with them, their lack of closeness means they appeal to none of our other vital mental and emotional faculties. But generally, they are incredibly pleasant when your paths cross and they exist to remind you, through your ups and downs that life is good. They complement your personality, throw occasional wisdom your way on how to deal with losses in life and reassure and remind you of the good that lies ahead. They’ll leave kind remarks on your social network sites and occasionally meet with you for lunch or coffee and although nothing of any deep emotional intensity will ever be discussed between you, you’ll always leave their company feeling like everything will be alright.

“Your own friend and your father’s friend forsake them not; neither go to your brother’s house in the day of your calamity. Better is a neighbor who is near [in spirit] than a brother who is far off [in heart].”

Proverbs 27:10 (AMP)

The temptation is to not invest in these friends, but this would be a mistake. This friend must not be forgotten, no matter how much more mature and functional company we keep elsewhere because they help us not take ourselves too seriously, help us forget things that weigh and burden us down and bring out the inner child in us. This type of friend is essential to our balance as human beings because it is how all friendships begin. Unless you first invest in the acquaintance, you will never release its potential to become anything else.

Master and Apprentice

“Hear counsel, receive instruction, and accept correction that you may be wise in the time to come.”

Proverbs 19:20 (AMP)

“Through skillful and godly Wisdom is a house (a life, a home, a family) built, and by understanding it is established [on a sound and good foundation], and by knowledge shall its chambers [of every area] be filled with all precious and pleasant riches. A wise man is strong and is better than a strong man and a man of knowledge increases and strengthens his power; for by wise counsel you can wage your war, and in an abundance of counselors there is victory and safety. Wisdom is too high for a fool; he opens not his mouth in the gate [where the city’s rulers sit in judgment].”

Proverbs 24:3-7(AMP)

“Where no wise guidance is, the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.”

Proverbs 11:14 (AMP)

When choosing a mentor for yourself, two things come into play; who and how! The person is as important as how your relationship with them develops.

• They must have Godly values that fit yours (this is key) and successfully express those values at a high level
• They must want you to be better than they were and are
• They must actively discourage you from following them, but instead encourage you to follow God and make your own decisions
• They must be credible and truly know what they are talking about (you’ll know this in less than five minutes of talking to someone, either your spirit will bear witness or it won’t-an effect often felt through your highly trustworthy intuition)
• They must respect your views and be a good listener
• They must have a Godly, problem solving attitude to life (not dwelling on any given problem but focusing on how to move forward in God, out of the situation)
• THEY NEED TO HAVE LIVED WHAT THEY SPEAK!!!!!!! None of this theoretical blabber nonsense. If they don’t have first-hand evidence of what they’re talking about or can’t point you to someone who does, they’re a phoney (simple)
• THEY MUST SHARE THEIR SECRETS WITH YOU TOO!!!!!!! This might seem like a simple thing to say yet it is radical because the truth is that if most mentees realised this, most ‘mentors’ would be out of an opportunity to abuse. If your mentor wants all your secrets and cannot share some of theirs, then they are stealing from you and because there is no balance of relationship, there is no real emotional investment on their part which means your secrets are not safe as you have no leverage to keep them from sharing yours. It is pretty simple…..you both give, you both take; you more so from a gleaning perspective, they more so from a trust earning perspective. They need to put down currency for your goods

“Oil and perfume rejoice the heart; so does the sweetness of a friend’s counsel that comes from the heart.”

Proverbs 27:9 (AMP)

Mentors do not need to be much older than you. In fact, they can be the same age, slightly older or much older. They key is that whatever they mentor you in, they must have more successful experience in that field than you do and be able to divulge that in wisdom to you. They are the master, you are the apprentice! Their wisdom prevents you from sliding into mistakes you would have otherwise made, your implementation of the wisdom from their life and your subsequent gain of life experience validates all they ever went through and gives them a real sense of achievement and pride.

“And Ruth said, urge me not to leave you or to turn back from following you; for where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. The Lord do so to me, and more also, if anything but death parts me from you.”

Ruth 1:16-17 (AMP)

“When the Lord was about to take Elijah up to heaven by a whirlwind, Elijah and Elisha were going from Gilgal. And Elijah said to Elisha, ‘Tarry here, I pray you, for the Lord has sent me to Bethel’. But Elisha replied ‘As the Lord lives and as your soul lives, I will not leave you’. So they went down to Bethel. The prophets’ sons who were at Bethel came to Elisha and said, ‘Do you know that the Lord will take your master away from you today?’ He said, ‘Yes, I know it; hold your peace’. 

Elijah said to him, ‘Elisha, tarry here, I pray you, for the Lord has sent me to Jericho’. But he said, ‘As the Lord lives and as your soul lives, I will not leave you’. So they came to Jericho. The sons of the prophets who were at Jericho came to Elisha and said, ‘Do you know that the Lord will take your master away from you today?’ And he answered, ‘Yes, I know it; hold your peace’. 

Elijah said to him, ‘Tarry here, I pray you, for the Lord has sent me to the Jordan’. But he said, ‘As the Lord lives and as your soul lives, I will not leave you’. And the two of them went on. 

Fifty men of the sons of the prophets also went and stood [to watch] afar off; and the two of them stood by the Jordan. And Elijah took his mantle and rolled it up and struck the waters, and they divided this way and that, so that the two of them went over on dry ground. And when they had gone over, Elijah said to Elisha, ‘Ask what I shall do for you before I am taken from you’. And Elisha said, ‘I pray you, let a double portion of your spirit be upon me’. He said, ‘You have asked a hard thing. However, if you see me when I am taken from you, it shall be so for you—but if not, it shall not be so.’

As they still went on and talked, behold, a chariot of fire and horses of fire parted the two of them, and Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven. And Elisha saw it and he cried, ‘My father, my father! The chariot of Israel and its horsemen’! And he saw him no more. And he took hold of his own clothes and tore them in two pieces. He took up also the mantle of Elijah that fell from him and went back and stood by the bank of the Jordan. And he took the mantle that fell from Elijah and struck the waters and said, ‘Where is the Lord, the God of Elijah?’ And when he had struck the waters, they parted this way and that, and Elisha went over. When the sons of the prophets who were [watching] at Jericho saw him, they said, ‘The spirit of Elijah rests on Elisha’. And they came to meet him and bowed themselves to the ground before him.”

2 Kings 2:1-15 (AMP)

When you have found your mentors, you need to stick with them as long as the Spirit of God is alive in their spirit, because the gifts of this type of friendship are many.

Team ‘We’ vs. the World

“Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this evil that was come upon him, they came each one from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite and Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, for they had made an appointment together to come to condole with him and to comfort him. And when they looked from afar off and saw him [disfigured] beyond recognition, they lifted up their voices and wept; and each one tore his robe, and they cast dust over their heads toward the heavens. So they sat down with [Job] on the ground for seven days and seven nights, and none spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief and pain were very great.”

Job 2:11-13 (AMP)

“Do two walk together except they make an appointment and have agreed?”

Amos 3:3 (AMP)

These are the friends that ‘get it’ and ‘get you’. Your conversations and interactions with these your close friends always achieve a level of intellectual complexity and emotional consciousness that is deeply satisfying. Your relationship with them is as high as it is deep and wide; and their ability to understand the nuances of your life is more precious to you than so many of the friends you encounter on a daily basis. These friends understand every sphere of your life. They get the family politics you live with and encourage you to always retain integrity through it all, they get the church nuances you navigate and give you Godly counsel that’ll keep you in God despite it all, and they understand all of the condescending slights that you deal with on a regular basis in your workplace and champion your confidence and self-esteem in spite of ‘them’ all. Close friends are true friends, the custodians of your secrets and guardians of your heart. They alongside best friends are the real heroes of friendship.

My Very Soul

“When David had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own life…….Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own life.”

1 Samuel 18:1, 3 (AMP)

This is who you’d refer to as your best friend, although it is possible to have more than one (having another best friend in addition to your spouse for example).

“Two are better than one, because they have a good [more satisfying] reward for their labor  for if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie down together, then they have warmth; but how can one be warm alone? And though a man might prevail against him who is alone, two will withstand him. A threefold cord is not quickly broken.”

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (AMP)

Friends like these and you usually go way back, or you feel like you do. What validates this feeling, separating this friend from all the others is a distinct feeling you both carry that you came of age only alongside each other, through tumultuous times until the intimacy of the now. You have a relationship that has evolved from the delicate flower it once was to a desert cactus that can withstand literally anything that life will throw at it. You speak mostly in a coded language of inside jokes and references that have organically grown from your many years together, and this acts as protection from external threats and insurance that binds and keeps you together against all the changes to come. Not that this means you do not disagree or fight, but all it takes is one key word to turn the frustration into riotous laughter, erase the pain and remind you that arguing is futile as only the two of you will ever really get each other.

You may not even see each other often, but that does not stop the bond that transcends space and time. The true mark of this type of friendship is shown in the feeling that physical proximity brings. If they are right next to you (with part of their body touching yours) and you do not notice that someone is in your space (you feel nothing different to when you are alone), then you have achieved friendship euphoria, where no walls exist between you, when the distinction cannot be made where one person ends and the other begins. At this point, you love this person like your very soul because they have become it. This is what is referred to as a ‘soul tie’ and it can occur between two platonic friends of the same sex as it can between members of the opposite sex in a relationship.

This type of friendship becomes your lifeline and the severance of it (as some of you may bear witness to), leads to an enormous part of you dying and to what can sometimes be years of emotional recovery. The Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, ranks divorce (73/100), and marital separation (63/100), as only being superseded (in the amount of stress caused) by the death of a spouse (100/100). Since the end of a soul tie results in permanent separation of both individuals (divorce), you can understand why the pain caused when this type of friendship breaks down is only ranked second to that separation being caused by the death of one of the parties involved. This is why you should resource, guard and protect this type of friendship like your life, because it actually is!

The ‘Frenemy’

“Do not be so deceived and misled! Evil companionships (communion, associations) corrupt and deprave good manners and morals and character.”

1 Corinthians 15:33 (AMP)

When you find that the line of mutual respect that once existed has been crossed and replaced by pulsing competition and jealousy (or when the competition and jealousy was always there but remained unnoticed until recently), that you are no longer sure what drives you to hang out with someone, you have officially gained a ‘frenemy’, someone who is your enemy pretending to be a friend! Frenemies exhibit the following symptoms among others:

• Changing their career prospects as a self-convinced result of their chosen career being inferior to your own
• Subtly spiteful comments on social network sites
• Sarcastic put downs at every opportunity
• Rebuttals for every happiness you express, with an equivalent (but “better”) happiness of their own
• Direct or indirect competition against you (ranging from applying for the same job or approaching the same man or friends with a view to move in before you do, through to waking up earlier and going to bed later than you just to prove they have been at work longer than you or blatantly buying the exact same dress you own to prove they wear it better than you)

It goes without saying this type of friendship is unhealthy. But what is more noteworthy is that it cannot be corrected until change occurs in the individual concerned. These friendships should be terminated, but as absolute justification for why should not just be things they have done or do, but rather who they are and most importantly, an unwillingness to change.

I have listed below character traits that I have seen in previous friends turned frenemies, the incorrigible manifestation of which has hurt me, leading me to bring my friendships with them, with no regret, to an immediate end.

If any of these rings true for you, then you should seek God on the future of that friendship!

• The Critic – The one who is always finding fault in everything you do and everything you say

• The Counselor – The one who always gives you their advice despite you not asking for it

• The Narcissist – The one focused on themselves, never letting you share anything about you

• The Impressionist – The one who watches your every move to try and live their clone of your life

• The Promise Breaker – The one who’s word is only a sure indication of the exact opposite, who acts without honor, who puts you in too many compromising situations, who makes you feel frustrated and who makes you feel disappointed in yourself, the constant disappointment 

“Be not one of those who strike hands and pledge themselves, or of those who become security for another’s debts. If you have nothing with which to pay, why should he take your bed from under you?”

Proverbs 22:26-27 (AMP)

• The Risk Taker – The one who is willing to put you in danger and guilt trip you for choosing integrity, as a means to fulfilling their selfish need for danger as misguided adventure

• The Opponent – The one who wants and will do anything to get AND take away what you have

• The Parasite – The one who is needy, who drains you and who is overly dependent and extremely demanding on you for information or physical, emotional or financial support

• The Abuser – The one who verbally (vicious and malicious in their comments towards you), physically (vicious and malicious in their treatment of you), or sexually abuses you (subtle or obvious behaviors like making jokes that are offensive or sexual in nature, inappropriate comments, sexual harassment or forcing you to engage in sexual acts against your will)

• The Duplicitous – The one who has no integrity, who will gossip about you, tell your secrets to anyone who will listen, spread lies about you, go after your ex (or even current boyfriend), the one who openly behaves like your enemy whilst calling themselves your friend

“A perverse man sows strife, and a whisperer separates close friends.”

Proverbs 16:28 (AMP)

“He who covers and forgives an offense seeks love, but he who repeats or harps on a matter separates even close friends.”

Proverbs 17:9 (AMP)

• The Controller – The one who sees you as incapable, sees it as their job to dominate and micro-manage you, choosing everything you do when you are together, giving their opinion on everything you do or want to do without being asked and being overbearing, bossy and condescending whenever you want to make a decision for yourself

• The Pity-Filled – The one who is always down, and will drag you down even if you were upbeat and positive to begin with, who cannot ever see the positive in anything and who projects that negativity on you all the time

• The Short Tempered – The one who refuses to deal with the issues that make them so angry but would rather pick a fight with anyone at any time for any reason

“Make no friendships with a man given to anger and with a wrathful man do not associate, lest you learn his ways and get yourself into a snare.”

Proverbs 22:24-25 (AMP)

When it comes to ending friendships, I must stress the word ‘incorrigible’ that I used at the start of this part of my blog piece. Conflict resolution must always be the first port of call and a permanent end the last, but if a problem persists and someone will not change or does not understand why they need to change, it is time to jump ship! I have done it to people as people have done it to me in the past. I feel no guilt about it and I hold no grudge against those who have done it to me because the bible validates exiting toxic friendships to preserve your life.

“The [consistently] righteous man is a guide to his neighbor, but the way of the wicked causes others to go astray.”

Proverbs 12:26 (AMP)

“Become wise by walking with the wise; hang out with fools and watch your life fall to pieces.”

Proverbs 13:20 (MSG)

A regular evaluation of your friendships will whittle down the list, separating wheat from chaff, leaving only those who can validate you best, those who can see you equal, and those with whom there can be mutual affection, trust, loyalty and acceptance. The friends that remain will give you validation that builds a lasting self-confidence despite the difficulties you encounter.

These are your true friends.

But for these true friends that remain, work still lies ahead to work out the kinks that arise in the journey of love.

Rules of Engagement

So, what does a true friendship look like?

It is important to break it down into qualities that are easily quantifiable.

A True Friend Loves Sacrificially

“This is My commandment: that you love one another [just] as I have loved you. No one has greater love [no one has shown stronger affection] than to lay down (give up) his own life for his friends.”

John 15:12-13 (AMP)

Jesus is the finest example of a true friend in that His love for us is sacrificial, and never self-serving. His demonstration of always putting his friends first was evident in His compassion, the miracles He performed, His service of humility when washing the disciples’ feet; and then ultimately, when he laid down his life by His death on the cross.

 ^“Do nothing from factional motives [through contentiousness, strife, selfishness, or for unworthy ends] or prompted by conceit and empty arrogance. Instead, in the true spirit of humility (lowliness of mind) let each regard the others as better than and superior to himself [thinking more highly of one another than you do of yourselves]. Let each of you esteem and look upon and be concerned for not [merely] his own interests, but also each for the interests of others. Let this same attitude and purpose and [humble] mind be in you, which was in Christ Jesus: [Let Him be your example in humility:]”

Philippians 2:3-5 (AMP)

We need to choose and act on our friendships by what we can get in addition to by what we can give (and these must be balanced). If we choose our friends based solely on what we have to gain from them, we will miss out on the blessings of a genuine friendship because putting your friend’s needs before your own and being loved likewise in return is for you both to love like Jesus who is the truth; the truth that gives freedom, life and happiness.

A True Friend Accepts Unconditionally

“A friend loves at all times, and is born, as is a brother, for adversity.”

Proverbs 17:17 (AMP)

Friendships go through times of adversity, but true friends are distinguished in these moments as those who know and accept your weaknesses and imperfections in the understanding that they have their own too and that true friendship is not trying to change someone, but is rather to compel them to a greater tomorrow in order for greatness to be perfected within them. If you are both of the same mind, then you will both be as quick to ask for forgiveness as you are to forgive on your journey to individual greatness alongside one another.

A True Friends Trusts Completely

“The man of many friends [a friend of all the world] will prove himself a bad friend, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”

Proverbs 18:24 (AMP)

This proverb reveals the trait of a true friend that takes A VERY LONG TIME (irrespective of the intensity of the friendship) to develop – to be worthy of the trust of the other! But asides from the principle of trustworthiness, it also emphasizes a second important truth. We should only expect to share complete trust with VERY FEW friends (as close to one as possible). Throwing away your confidence too quickly and too easily can lead to ruin, and this is why it is advisable to do serious time before freely giving away your secrets. Personally I have a two year rule that I use. I wait a minimum of two years before sharing what I deem as the most intimate parts of me and of my life as I have lived and am living it because I believe that you can genuinely get to know in two years what someone’s true character, real motive and end agenda is.

Over time, a true friend will prove their trustworthiness by sticking closer than a brother or sister. And this is not me denigrating sibling relationships because they are for sure the only persons guaranteed to be with you for your entire life. But you must give your close friends credit where they are due simply because after having begun as strangers, became acquaintances, proved to care, were there, stayed there, shared and listened, earned your trust and now do life alongside you, guarding your secrets, your heart and your life; because relationally, they are much closer to you than your siblings (even though they may not always get you as much as your blood family) and this emotional proximity must be acknowledged accordingly.

A True Friend Keeps Healthy Boundaries 

“Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].”

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (AMP)

If you feel smothered or ignored despite your requests to the contrary in a friendship, something is wrong. Likewise, if you feel used or abused, victimized, bullied, put down or an unnecessary burden, something is definitely amiss. A true friend recognizes what is best for you and gives you the right amount of space and time as you want and need to work yourself out. They will wisely avoid intruding, invading or managing your life and will maintain awareness of your need to keep other friendships. This is the sign of a healthy friendship.

A True Friend Edifies

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are lavish and deceitful.”

Proverbs 27:6 (AMP)

A true friend builds you up physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually as you do them in return. In your friendship, you exchange strength; encouragement and love throughout all those times when you get together to talk, cry, laugh and listen simply because it feels good to be together. But times come when as friends you must have challenging conversations. Yet, because of the shared trust and acceptance between you which gives a right of impact to each other’s heart, love prevails as one delivers the hard message with truth and grace to the other. This is what Proverbs means when it says……

“Iron sharpens iron; so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend [to show…..worthy purpose].”

Proverbs 27:17 (AMP)

How to Treat Your Friends

Below are a few guidelines on how to treat your friends, as specified (well enough so I have nothing else to add on the matter) by the Bible.

“And as you would like and desire that men would do to you, do exactly so to them.”

Luke 6:31 (AMP)

“Love one another with brotherly affection [as members of one family], giving precedence and showing honour to one another.”

Romans 12:10 (AMP)

“Let no foul or polluting language, nor evil word nor unwholesome or worthless talk [ever] come out of your mouth, but only such [speech] as is good and beneficial to the spiritual progress of others, as is fitting to the need and the occasion, that it may be a blessing and give grace (God’s favor to those who hear it. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God [do not offend or vex or sadden Him], by Whom you were sealed (marked, branded as God’s own, secured) for the day of redemption (of final deliverance through Christ from evil and the consequences of sin). Let all bitterness and indignation and wrath (passion, rage, bad temper) and resentment (anger, animosity) and quarreling (brawling, clamor  contention) and slander (evil-speaking, abusive or blasphemous language) be banished from you, with all malice (spite, ill will, or baseness of any kind). And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tender-hearted (compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted), forgiving one another [readily and freely], as God in Christ forgave you.”

Ephesians 4:29-32 (AMP)

“Clothe yourselves therefore, as God’s own chosen ones (His own picked representatives), [who are] purified and holy and well-beloved [by God Himself, by putting on behavior marked by] tender-hearted pity and mercy, kind feeling, a lowly opinion of yourselves, gentle ways, [and] patience [which is tireless and long-suffering, and has the power to endure whatever comes, with good temper]. Be gentle and forbearing with one another and, if one has a difference (a grievance or complaint) against another, readily pardoning each other; even as the Lord has [freely] forgiven you, so must you also [forgive]. And above all these [put on] love and enfold yourselves with the bond of perfectness [which binds everything together completely in ideal harmony]. And let the peace (soul harmony which comes) from Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts [deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds, in that peaceful state] to which as [members of Christ’s] one body you were also called [to live]. And be thankful (appreciative), [giving praise to God always].”

Colossians 3:12-15 (AMP)

The Last Best Bit

My favorite thing and in my opinion the absolute best thing about true friends is the presence in your life of people who care about you, love you for who you are and don’t try to change you or make you something you’re not. Third after (1) intimacy with God and (2) a loving family, having true friends is the best thing a person can have in this world. They are God’s greatest gift for our choosing and the fact that someone who is not you can accept you for who you are is just priceless (especially in today’s world and fast society where everyone is looking for quick to put together, ready-made everything against God’s template of long-suffering and perseverance to maturity).

I have very few true friends but I love them deeply. I know many people who don’t understand the way I am, who say it is too intense, who say they prefer to keep “many” friends. But the truth is that if you can count your close and best friends (excluding acquaintances, mentors and family members) on more than one hand, you are most probably either insufficient in your understanding of what friendship is (although hopefully not anymore after reading this blog piece), or hiding in a crowd to avoid the life-changing intensity of intimacy.

If you fall into this category, I’d strongly encourage you to go on a journey to demarcate your wide circle into a series of smaller ones in order to identify who your true friends really are (because true friends are not the ones you just see to go to parties with or the ones who only hang out with you if they need something even though they have their place, but rather are the ones who just want to spend time with you because of who you are), and then really engage heart to heart with the ones at the core. Those are your true friends and the kind of people that we all need close to us. And if we all consciously maintained friendships like that, the precarious and overwhelming parts of our journey in life would seem a little easier to travail.

To be able to have that bond and trust with one or two is a precious gift and must never be taken for granted. So next time you see your true friends, let them know how close they are and how great it is to have them in your life.

And finally, no matter how many don’t remain, never stop loving with all of you, all of the time.

Stay Fabulous

Bella.x