Before I start I just have to add a little disclaimer to this. It is a long blog and I have refused to cut it down for people’s reading pleasure because if someone had written this for me this for me four months ago then I wouldn’t have had to find out myself and it taken me every last bit of energy I have. I know it’ll bless someone and if it’s for one person that I’ve written it then it’s good enough for me. Happy reading, I hope it provokes you into thought!
The First Bit!
A friend of mine posted a quote on Twitter a few days ago saying that ‘all it takes for evil to propagate is for good people to do nothing’. When he did, I remembered something my church pastor once said to the same effect, talking about relationships and marriages in particular. He made reference to a garden and said that anything in life if left to its own device would disintegrate into chaos. He spoke about the need to constantly tend to matters so your life doesn’t become like an over-grown garden. When he said that, my imagination quickly filled my mind’s eye with a visual reality of these spoken words. Little did I know that said garden was soon going to be what I saw when I opened my life’s door!
Breaking-Up
I recently parted ways with my boyfriend, someone that to this day I think the world of and have an undiluted amount of respect for. Our journey was one of a couple of years in which I found out that it really is possible to love someone more and experience emotional intimacy on levels I previously couldn’t even fathom. I’m sure those of you who have at some point suffered this crash can understand how your life spins out of control and like a whirlwind goes from giggles and kisses in Hyde Park on a sunny spring weekend evening, to dark, lonely, rainy mornings the following week where you can’t quite figure out if it’ll be the rain or your tears that’ll stop first. The darkness, the loneliness and pain everywhere you look, the shadows at night, the emptiness in the morning, the feelings of hopelessness…… And so I went through all the motions, cried and cried and cried some more. And although it was a very “good” break-up (as far as these things go), I felt like grief had punched bullet holes all through me like a shotgun. My wounds were everywhere, like pellets-some of which still remain. I’ve been told with time I’ll be able to get most of them out and heal, but even I know that some are just too deep and their recovery would cost me too much and wound me even further. So I’ve left those ones because I’ve come to understand that life’s battles do scar and as much as you can deal with most of it, sometimes you just have to let your body absorb the small war wounds that don’t threaten your major parts and be happy the experience didn’t kill you.
Another note on how I got to this point in my life-some things take time to sort out and it is not always wise to remain in a relationship when those things can be seen to better when you’re alone. I guess it’s like trying to run with a broken leg. The leg needs fixing first as your sole priority and then you never know what comes after, so right now in my life-I’m fixing leg and no longer thinking about racing 😀
Having said that, in the middle of my going-trough I have received and I’m still receiving many pieces of ‘advice’ (for when I eventually do pick back up my running shoes from the hang-up) from people I genuinely approached for it all the way to people who are fond of making the whole world think that they’ve got it altogether and are therefore qualified as the Guru of the universe. Also in the course of my research to write this piece, I have come across some horrific stories about break-ups which have made me eternally grateful that the man I had chosen to be in relationship with is a man led by the Spirit of God who has kept me under God’s wing as best he can throughout this entire process! But I’m not here to talk about them, or him. My main aim is to talk about my journey of recovery because as one so wisely observed, it’s not the cards you’re dealt in life but indeed how you play them that matters. But before I go there……
Lessons Learned
I want to share some profound things I’ve learned in listening to some of my girlfriends’ stories over tea and cake on my sofa because I see them as paramount to helping me and other young women deal effectively and pragmatically yet spiritually with a break up, make-up with our inner woman, be empowered on our journey, and yet keep our creation-intended gentleness.
I’ve learned that by and large Christians rarely tell the whole truth about their break-ups because there is a culture of shame and a destructive tradition on dealing with them based on cultural misunderstandings and conflicting methods in most ‘charismatic’ churches. So a girl has to be heartbroken in the quiet. I know one girl who was offered so much ‘advice’ she gradually became more and more paranoid to the point where all the people she once called friends become nothing but people who could gossip about her and somehow her friendships begin to suffer even though she was sure they were strong enough to cope (until she found out years later that her friends were told something along the lines that she “needed space” and thereby swiftly removed from her when she needed them the most). I know of more than one girl being told not to tell ANYONE apart from said leader who although they never physically and consistently demonstrated Godly and selfless love for her over a prolonged period of time to win her trust have all of a sudden stepped in to become her source for everything (with a side salad of spiritual manipulation). They must know everything, she must tell all and only to them, anything outside their created boundaries amounts to disobedience and will not go unpunished and if she were to ‘step outside’ their boundaries this could result in her being stepped down from any ministry that she’s involved in, having done nothing wrong. And just like that the thing that holds her in church-dangled in front of her face like a carrot that could be removed at any time should someone not feel like she’s adhering to rules she’s often not even aware of herself.
Not forgetting to mention that whilst everybody is trying to ‘fix’ her, no one is actually making any real effort to ask her how she really is, how she really feels and how she wants to go forward. No one is calling her late at night when her pillow is soaked with tears and her prayers feel like they’re hitting the ceiling and falling back into her mouth, or in the mornings where the whole world seems bleak and although she knows she can’t see anything straight and knows that she’ll get over it at some stage, all she’d like right now is for someone to just listen. No one is asking her what she has just read in the bible, what she thinks God is saying. No one is telling her “I understand” and no one is sharing their past experience with her because then that would make them vulnerable and therefore bring them down from their pedal stool and down to her level (I’ve never quite figured out why that’s a bad thing because Jesus did it). No one will help jump start her again. So they sit high and mighty up there and she sits down and lowly down there, lonely, depressed and alone-yet surrounded by ‘mature Christians’. And yes-this does happen! Mostly because break-ups were a taboo with the older generation, the resultant shame resulting in their haphazard dealing of it until they found their way to the big ‘M’ in which they now dwell happily. And most times they were not really helped so they don’t actually know what exactly to do that would benefit a brokenhearted girl in the maximum way. So those who involve traditional elders don’t talk about it because they’re told not to based on out-dated stigmas, and those who don’t do this don’t talk about it because they don’t want to be told not to ‘talk about it’ nor do they want to feel shame and guilt and hey presto-nobody talks about it at all. So results this culture where break-ups are an untold mystery that people are suffering and hearts are dying from, totally unnecessarily and yet…….nothing
I’ve learned that Church leaders facilitating (and I use that word kindly) break-ups by telling people they don’t think they’re “meant for each other because God said” is more prevalent than people realize! This one really irks me! I’ve heard it many times and have been a victim of this myself. And leaders do this for reasons that do bring challenges in relationships but not legitimate reasons for why relationships should not be entered into or should be terminated. I believe this is also something that has been propagated for a very long time in the church and because perhaps it was said to someone who then went and married someone else even though the first one would have been perfectly fine yet all was covered by God’s Grace, once they see what looks like a familiar situation instead of assessing and discerning it for what it truly is (even if it is not destined for marriage and is just a seasonal teaching situation) and instead of just allowing people to journey alone with some guidance-everything about a relationship begins to be micro-managed. This can only lead to certain disaster! Some of the reasons I’ve been made aware of include cultural differences, racial differences, age differences, previous children out of wedlock, struggles with sexual sins, struggling faith, differing denominations, previous relationship with close friend or family member etc. But the way I see it, as long as both parties are Christians and are in a good place, the relationship is desired because they both feel like they’d like to make serious walking life together under God towards the landmark of marriage one day and then onward, and if both parties have made themselves accountable to those mature, happily married, down to earth, real, honest people who have ALWAYS been there and are willing to share their own experiences for the benefit of the couple, and there is peace and agreement in the camp then who is stoning based on what happened in the past? Because it certainly isn’t me! I would be interested in asking the same people who propagate this if they would terminate a pregnancy because a child was discovered to have a life-threatening disease, because to me the principle is exactly the same! Just because a child will have Cystic Fibrosis and will most likely die before the age of thirty is no reason why that child can’t be allowed to live.
I have a friend who married a man more than twice her age (that I look at how strong their love is and pray for the same Grace because I have never experienced that kind of love), another who married a man over ten years younger, others who have successfully built relationship even though one has a child from before, people from differing denominations still going strong after over four years, people who have married even though one was very ill and later did die and well…..I still remember Grace and one thing I’ve learned about Grace is this-it is the facilitator that can enable things thought impossible, possible and bring things thought dead back to life. And as long as I live I will never forget what God has covered me from, the consequences of some sins He has spared me from and so I believe in and practice Grace. Grace over all things, grace over all people, grace over me!
I’ve learned that Love is God. Growing up, I had heard the phrase ‘God is Love’ thrown around like air, but to me it is only one side of the coin and the other side looks so similar, it is often taken for granted; because if God is Love, then Love is also God. This for me is the most accurate charting of accountability when it comes to anything in life; I just wish I’d discovered this sooner. I have suffered at the hands of leaders who have spiritually abused me. I’ve been locked in a room with a male leader and no one else while he refuted me from speaking, throwing accusations at me, calling it ‘tough love’. I’ve been called names, emotionally trodden on, accused. You name it-I’ve heard it, all from the same young pastor in a young church who had been in ministry his whole life and had completely lost touch of God whilst doing ‘God’s work’. I had the same leader pull me into them as opposed to pointing me to the heart and mind of Christ for my life-only to destroy me when they felt I needed a lesson in humility, because I didn’t realize what they were doing in the name of leadership was wrong. I’ve known girls who have been ostracised from churches because of hearsay and because of people’s reactions to their sins borne from a place of genuine struggle that they want to get out of, but for which no Grace led practical help is being offered. I’ve heard and know of so many cases where almost anything has been done and it’s been called love. So if God is Love, is this kind of love, God? Does God do this to His kids? Is this how God loves people? Is this how God loves me? We have to be very careful what we do in the name of Love, because if God is Love, then we do it in the name of God and He will in this life and in the here-after, bring us to account for what we did ‘in His name’. It is the responsibility of everyone who really knows God to make sure every relationship in their life experiences real Love. And just in case you’re wondering what Love is. This is how it is described (well in my opinion) in the bible:
“Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].” Corinthians 13:4-8
So the question to ask if you’re the one looking for love in any capacity or if you’re the one trying to show love is this: Am I showing/ experiencing what it says here? If the person who says they ‘love’ you are not showing you the kind of Love described above, but rather the opposite-cut them off immediately, irrespective of their position! If they are, appreciate them and pray that God would bless them even more. Few people know God to Love like He does, we are even told this:
“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is (springs) from God; and he who loves [his fellowmen] is begotten (born) of God and is coming [progressively] to know and understand God [to perceive and recognize and get a better and clearer knowledge of Him]. He who does not love has not become acquainted with God [does not and never did know Him], for God is love.” I John:7-8
I’ve learned that an artist never creates two strokes the same with the same brush and I believe in the same way that God has made us all as individuals, we should endeavour to accept each other as such, without the need for us to always have full understanding of one another. This is crucial because in the interactions of leaders with young women it is so important that time is taken to understand her as much as humanly possible before prescription of anything, especially modern behaviours encouraged yet not set in stone in the bible.
The important thing is that people are pointing each other to God and the bible via their own experience. My stance on this type of pastoring and shepherding was really brought home to me in the most awesome, but very ordinary way. I was flying home business class from Vienna following a work tour in Europe, laid back on my reclining seat, looking down through the window as cities unfolded below me, through cloudless skies all the way back to London and that’s when I felt God speak to me regarding this. I was on my way somewhere, but I saw things that put where I was and where I was heading into context. The pilot was flying, the co-pilot was observing, trusting, communicating. And then it hit home, God is that pilot, we are that co-pilot and we must understand that any passengers are not being captained by us, but that in partnership with God as the unquestionably trustworthy lead, we can take them to their next destination, as smoothly as possible, allowing them to see things that help them understand that they are actually going in the right direction. But then that means that we must have gone that way before to know the route itself so we can know how to take people through it.
I’ve learned that the most important thing after a break-up is not dealing with it, but in fact un-breaking your heart once the initial pain has subsided. Then more emphasis should be placed in making sure that in the process the essence of what you are becoming doesn’t come and then go, that your garden doesn’t become overgrown whilst you’re busy hiding inside, that you don’t become so engulfed by weeds, that it takes even longer and a lot more help to get you back. You don’t want to misunderstand God, love him less, distance yourself from people who loved you before your mess and still do, fellowship at church less, leave church, become sexually or emotionally promiscuous due to your deep need for intimacy that has been snatched away from you at short notice, shut down and pretend everything is OK all the time yet carry untold anger in your heart that comes across as Guru syndrome (wanting to rescue people from the pain you feel without admitting that you are raw in your pain still after so long) and you don’t want to become of those who play the zombie (do everything the church leaders say and eventually lose your minds and become puppets held up as examples of obedience).
The most important thing that I have learned after having seen all these examples, is that it is my choice to and therefore consequently I have resolved and I’m resolving to be the sum of them all and yet none of them! I want to obey, yet to be my own. I want to grow in character, but only my own God purposed character. I want to be quiet, still my own person. I want to remember, but still let it go. I want to attend, but not be attended to like a child. I want to be a member, not dismembered. I want to be emotionally willing to share, but not needy. I want to be comprehensively helped, so that I can then truly help. I want to be whole, so that I can bring wholeness. I want to be honest, so that people will be free to be honest with me. I want to break-up and survive it, make-up with who I am. I don’t want to look out and see that over-growth, I want to keep tending and encourage others to do the same because above all I now know-no one can un-break your heart but you and God!
Making-Up
So on putting yourself back together (which I am still in the middle of and thereby no means an expert at), here are my thoughts…..
- HAVE FUN! This is the first part following a break-up and it is needed to kick start the process. It is easy and no young woman in her right mind needs to be reminded that manicures, pedicures, fish eating foot massages, every possible massage, new hair, heading to the flicks with the girls and stuffing your face with popcorn and ice-cream, days out to random places you’ve always wanted to go, sleepovers, a trip to the salon for that long awaited wax, getting the eyebrows seen to, a marathon shopping trip, new stuff for the wardrobe and a night out with the girls is just what the doctor ordered. You’ll have plenty of time to tackle things from a spiritual, mental and emotional angle-but for now just chill and be physical! Go on that overdue holiday, splash out on that thing you’ve always wanted, do those things you’ve always procrastinated about, wild out but stay safe! Invest in you and stay beautiful because being fabulous doesn’t just happen, it is a decision from which thoughts and then deeds are birthed.
- Change Is Coming! It is important that once something as significant as a close relationship is removed from your life and heart abruptly, something else goes in to fill that place so a vacuum isn’t left to suck into it whatever it can first grab it’s hands on which is more often than not, something that’ll temporarily soothe the pain but leave you even more broken in the long run. This brings us back to the lesson of the garden. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. So think of every edifying thing you’ve ever wanted to do, and set about doing it, don’t just leave it to fate. Since breaking up, I have sat a professional exam and passed 😀 I am about to begin another CPD course, I have read several books on leadership and Project Management and I am planning to go through a course at church that will help me get to grips more with the bible. I’m excited about this because it’s designed hard and includes coursework and an exam so my mind is constantly distracted from coming up with its own self-destructing thoughts on which it can act and my space is instead filled with things that are building a better me every day.
- Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall: If Humpty had chosen firm ground; he wouldn’t have fallen or been broken to the point that all of the queen’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put him back together again. So my third piece of helping advice based on my own experience is this-find good ground and put your stakes it in. Know what you stand for, what your principles are and know them well. Make sure they are based on the bible and not just on your past hurts. Once you understand why you believe what you believe and are who you are then you’ll never conform to wall-sitting and therefore when you fall, as long as you remain close to your core then you won’t fall very far and it’ll certainly be a tough job for anyone trying to push you over!
- Monkey see, monkey do: NEVER take advice from anyone who will not share with you about their own life and certainly don’t talk to them about yours in any detail if they don’t reciprocate! There are many old-school church leaders/ people out there who live to extract information out of you but then if they don’t put back wisdom that they’ve learned in their own lives (that you couldn’t go to the bible/ teachings to get yourself) then all they leave is a giant vacuum and you feel empty when you leave their presence. People like that are toxic and should be avoided like the Plague. If someone cannot trust you enough with details of their lives then that means that they are taking what you have just poured out to them for granted and don’t see it to be of any worth. Think of it as this. You wouldn’t go to a designer store and they give you a handbag for free, especially not one loaded with diamonds and this is true of you and the contents of your heart. Nothing comes for free, especially not you! So let people produce some tender in return for your precious-remember that plane ride. Someone has to take you through where they’ve been before. They have to know it well, but when they take you through it, it must be at a cost to them and you must be shielded, on higher ground looking in to learn on the way to your personal destination.
- Run! Get as physically far away from your old partner as possible. For a prolonged period of time it is not realistically possible to be friends once the relationship has come to an end. The less you see them, the better, the less communication you have, even better. If you can pretend they’re dead for a year-you’re on a winning streak. It sounds harsh but it is true. I’ve been one of those girls who was convinced that I could be the one who would be different, that I could remain friends and I did try but then no-gradually I came to see that I was much happier when I didn’t have to think of him at all, because I could not separate the pain from him. I needed time to cool down and free myself from the bond formed over years, time to heal from the broken soul tie, time to move on and believe in God that somehow I have it in me to start all over again with someone else at some point, trusting and hoping that my heart would not be broken again.
- When words are many: There is an excerpt of a verse in the bible that says:
“In a multitude of words transgression is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is prudent.” Proverbs 10:19
There is also a quote that I love that also tells the story of this verse and it goes something like: Praise the bridge that carried you over – George Colman. I think that sums it up fairly well. Wisdom in what comes out of your mouth at a time like this cannot be over-emphasised. If you have nothing exalting to say, then say nothing. Elevate goodness at all times, because it builds character and character is a beautiful thing-it is like an oak tree, slow but steady in growth, majestic in splendor, strong through all storms and will stand firm through every season. It is something every person should aim for, one as close to God’s heart as possible and will grow you into that woman you’re forever reading about in the bible and wondering how to become!
“The [uncompromisingly] righteous shall flourish like the palm tree [be long-lived, stately, upright, useful, and fruitful]; they shall grow like a cedar in Lebanon [majestic, stable, durable, and incorruptible].” Psalm 92:12
- Seek FIRST! No one can un-break your heart but God. Not your family, not your girlfriends, not your colleagues, not your party buddies. If you will ever stop being in denial then this time is the time to do so.
“Stop being perpetually uneasy (anxious and worried) about your life….. Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father keeps feeding them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by worrying and being anxious can add one unit of measure (cubit) to his stature or to the span of his life?And why should you be anxious…..? Consider the lilies of the field and learn thoroughly how they grow; they neither toil nor spin…..If God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and green and tomorrow is tossed into the furnace, will He not much more surely clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not worry and be anxious……But seek (aim at and strive after) first of His entire kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides.” Matthew 6:25-33
Go to God because with Him there is no pretending. Ask Him first, talk to Him first, cry at Him first, communicate with Him first and listen to Him first. You’ll be surprised how much you hear Him when you’re in a parched land. Makes it all easier because then you become Humpty with stakes firmly planted in the ground and anything that comes from anywhere else is much easier filtered according to its alignment with what God said to you first. Like this you’re not running to and fro confused at conflicting ‘advice’, tossed by the winds like a small fishing boat in a violent storm.
- She that is planted…..
“BLESSED (HAPPY, fortunate, prosperous, and enviable) is the man who walks and lives not in the counsel of the ungodly [following their advice, their plans and purposes], nor stands [submissive and inactive] in the path where sinners walk, nor sits down [to relax and rest] where the scornful [and the mockers] gather. But his delight and desire are in the law of the Lord, and on His law (the precepts, the instructions, the teachings of God) he habitually meditates (ponders and studies) by day and by night. And he shall be like a tree firmly planted [and tended] by the streams of water, ready to bring forth its fruit in its season; its leaf also shall not fade or wither; and everything he does shall prosper [and come to maturity].” Psalm 1:1-3
“For You, O Lord, have made me glad by your works; at the deeds of your hands I joyfully sing. How great are your doings, O Lord! Your thoughts are very deep….my horn (emblem of excessive strength and stately grace) you have exalted like that of a wild ox; I am anointed with fresh oil…..Planted in the house of the Lord, they shall flourish in the courts of our God. [Growing in grace] they shall still bring forth fruit in old age; they shall be full of sap [of spiritual vitality] and [rich in the] verdure [of trust, love, and contentment]. [They are living memorials] to show that the Lord is upright and faithful to His promises; He is my Rock, and there is no unrighteousness in Him.” Psalm 92:4-5, 10, 13-15
The importance of a good church can never be overstated. And by good I mean a church where people are more concerned with the heart and mind of Christ outworked in people’s lives through Grace to increased Faith and not traditions, cultural status quos or the ‘this is the way it’s always been done’, life stifling, faith paralysing attitudes.
I LOVE my church and my only regret is that it took me 24 years to arrive here because all the other parts of the body that I experienced left me questioning how such a sick girl could ever make her wedding day! And then I realised that there are some parts of the body that are so well and strong, they compensate for whilst stimulating faster development and healing in other struggling parts. I live in a super-strong part of the body, it is where I call home and I’m grateful that I am flourishing in a house where there has been just the right balance of being cared for and being left alone, the discernment to facilitate for me to go deeper in worship and higher in praise in understanding that only God can break certain yokes. I am full of worship to God that there is an abundance of Grace in our house and for being able to say that I know as I’m living it now that God’s hand has and continues to guide me and hold me fast even as I have walked through the valley where the shadows have at most times, completely overwhelmed me. It is only by Grace that you begin to enjoy a process that is otherwise designed to bring pain. It is only in the overflow of Mercy that you begin to focus on what is happening in you and through you as opposed to just to you. Because after all….
….amid all these things we are more than conquerors and gain a surpassing victory through Him who loved us.” Romans 8:37
I am a conqueror in everything through Christ Jesus 😀
The Last Bit
In closing, I’d just like to say to every girl who is going through this. Be strong, have courage-you are not alone. There are many of us; each in our boat being tossed about in the storm yet God is ever present, ever hearing, ever speaking and ever ready. He is calling each one of us out onto the water and the best thing you can do is let Him take you into His Love because there is no fear there. What it looks like, I’m not really sure. But right now in my life it is a faith that is strong, a persistence that weathers every day till the end, a Mercy that allows me to take my time and a Grace that continues to teach me when I don’t know. It is words of affirmation from my Father, words of encouragement from people around, a choice to worship that takes me deeper than ever, a choice to praise the morning in through the darkness and an active decision to discipline my mind into understanding without a doubt that even though weeping comes, it only endures for a night!
Bless you all in your journey!
Stay Fabulous!
One Love
Bella.x
The Emancipation of Bella! 